Because sometimes "on the road to Wrestlemania" you have to make a pit stop at the liquor store, this week, I have a very special edition of the RAW recap for everyone. That's right. It's time for the Monday Night RAW Drinking Game! You can do this with a group of friends or be like George Thorogood and "Drink alone / With nobody else."

In an effort to stay somewhat lucid enough to recap the events of the latest episode of RAW, my choice of beverage to compliment the two-hour broadcast live from Washington, D.C. is Amaretto Sour. While I won't be out and out inebriated, I'll just be pleasantly loopy like Sherri Martel in her Hall of Fame acceptance speech and hopefully half as entertaining, and look half as good doing it.

Here are the rules (Rules? What rules!?) for the Monday Night RAW Drinking Game for those of you who might want to play along at home for a future date.

Throw back a swig of your favorite beverage for every time:
- Vince McMahon mentions his BillionHair Match with Donald Trump
- Mick Foley pimps his latest book
- Stone Cold Steve Austin shows up, one belt for every beer he catches
- J.R. refers to a female heel as a "jezebel"
- Someone comes to the ring wearing new swag for purchase
- Shawn Michaels makes the chinless face
- A Diva shows some cleavage while not actually wrestling
- Continuity is blatantly ignored
- An old-school legend makes an appearance
- Chug if a current superstar kicks said legend's ass.
- Lawler references to "puppies" or makes a perverted comment
- Someone mentions the name of the city they're in
- You correctly predict the next move a wrestler makes
- J.R. refers to a new addition as a "blue chipper"
- Chug if he says that in reference to Kenny
- Ric Flair "Woooo!"s (I'd include one drink for every chest-chop Flair throws but I don't want anyone to get alcohol poisoning)
- Someone gets busted open
- Chug if an announcer mentions the "crimson mask"

The show opens with John Cena wearing a brand new John Cena t-shirt and emerging to huge amounts of boos from the crowd. Right out of the gate, that's one giant swig for the ubiquitous swag that Cena is sporting. And so close to Wrestlemania, too.

After reviewing last week's footage, The Champ expresses his lack of trust regarding Shawn Michaels, pondering when is Shawn Michaels going to betray his tag team partner John Cena? Seriously. Are these two going out? I haven’t seen this much mistrust outside of a long-term relationship. Just holla pre-nup, Cena! Sheesh!

Cena calls out Michaels and the Heartbreak Kid makes his entrance with the crowd firmly on his side. Michaels admits that he likes Cena's style and that Michaels and has proven himself and his loyalties to his tag team partner, having his back last week, albeit not in a completely warm and fuzzy way. The … ahem… "partners" are ready to engage in fisticuffs live on RAW, however, the not-so-touching moment is broken up by an appearance by Vince McMahon's Executive Assitant, Jonathan Coachman. The vociferous crowd assails Coach with chants of "you suck." D.C. is a tough crowd. Apparently, his boss has left him in charge, having his mind on bigger things, namely the contract signing later in the evening for his Wrestlemania match against Donald Trump. As soon as Coach's words pass from his lips, a sip of Amaretto Sour hits mine.

Instead of fighting one another on RAW, Coach decrees in lieu of his boss that Cena and Michaels will have a series of gauntlet matches to defend their World Tag Team Titles. If they make it to Match Number Three, then the final match will be inside a steel cage, which hovers already above the ring. Nope. That wasn't planned at all, now, was it?

Meanwhile, backstage, Trump and his hideous hair gets out of a limo in preparation for the contract signing later in the program. Following The Donald Sighting, more celebrity on-the-spot interviews ensue with notables giving their thoughts on who they want to win, Trump or McMahon. The ones to weigh in this time were the safe, non-Michael Richards guy from Seinfeld, Jason "George Costanza" Alexander; Lou "La Bamba! My Wife Dumped Me For Melissa Etheridge" Diamond Phillips, and Kelly "I Was in Scorpion King With The Rock" Hu. I can't believe so much attention is being given to this ridiculous match.

Just as I was about to drink one more shot just to deal with the stupidity, I get to toss one back in regards to the rescheduled final Money In the Bank qualifying match coming up next. In the grand tradition of flubbing continuity, the match happens to be Ric Flair vs. Carlito vs…. Randy Orton? How the hell did he get involved in this match? Orton wasn't even the one to interrupt the match last week. That was the Great (Big) Khali who broke up the match. Down one more drink for continuity that would make even Marvel cringe. Also, this match is going to be an elimination match, so two pinfalls have to occur in order for there to be a winner.

Flair comes out wearing my favorite blue and black robe …Which means he's probably going to lose. Carlito makes his entrance sans Torrie. And then there's Orton! (One too many swigs of Amaretto Sour made me think of the classic Bea Arthur sitcom theme song with "And then there's Maude!")

The match starts with both Carlito and Flair backing Orton into the corner. Orton battles his way out of it and almost rolls Carlito back into a small package with the ropes for leverage. Carlito kicks out and Orton ends up enduring the Fists of Flair. Randy fights back and slams Flair with a huge back body drop to the canvas as Carlito comes in and he and the Nature Boy continue a double-team assault. Carlito delivers a few kicks to the groin and Flair chimes in with a hard fist to the face and chest chops. Things get monotonous for a few minutes of see-sawing back and forth of chest chops from Flair and Carlito. Orton looks to have the wind knocked out of him and insult is added to injury with Flair raking his former Evolution stablemate's eyes. Carlito knocks Orton backwards and attempts a cradling pin to no avail before even more chest chops (yawn) rear their knife-edges.

Orton looked to be in dire straits once Flair whacked him in the back of the knee taking him down to the canvas. With Orton down, Carlito came in with the Carlito Springboard off the ropes to further squash him. (I totally called that move! Time for another drink.)

For some reason, Flair and Carlito begin to argue and Flair face palms the youngster, swatting him out of the way. Flair woos happily (take another drink) as he prepares to slap on the Figure Four leg lock. As he does, Carlito jumps up and hits poor Rickles with the Back Cracker, knocking the Dirtiest Player in the Game for a loop. One more swig for me since I predicted that the Back Cracker would make an appearance at that exact moment.

With the Nature Boy incapacitated, Randy Orton nails him with an RKO for good measure, pinning Flair and eliminating him. I totally called that Flair would lose based on the fact he was wearing his snazzy robe. It ain't "Last Call" yet, baby!

The match is joined in progress after a commercial break during which Orton capped Carlito with the same exceptional modified DDT off of ropes to Carlito. Carlito manages to inch his way to the ropes and gets the ref to break the Boston Crab hold that Orton has him in.

Carlito managed to bust out and clamp a choke hold on Orton before being suplexed. Can Orton get any more new tattoos? I should have made the option for one more drink for every new tattoo a superstar sports on the show.

Orton drops to his knees on all fours and color me titillated or entering the early stages of sloppy drunkenness, but that looked pretty hot. He goes for the RKO but Carlito nails him with an impressive standing hurracurrana followed by a Million Dollar Knee Lift that results in a two count on Orton after a kinda-sorta F.U. that Orton flopped out of.

Carlito runs at Orton in what seems to be slow motion and instantly, even in a semi-inebriated stage, I can tell that Orton is going to catch him. And catch him Orton does, bouncing Carlito's Caribbean apples off of the ring ropes and groining him before pinning Carlito and winning a spot in the Money In The Bank Ladder Match at Wrestlemania.

Randy Orton is going to Wrestlemania! I wonder who Carlito pissed off? Not a bad match, but very predictable, considering the odd addition of Orton to a match that just last week was between Carlito and Ric Flair. Even more so than Ric Flair's ring attire as a portent of his loss, Orton's spot in the match made it uber-predictable. It's nice to see him in the Ladder Match and I think he's going to really shine in the match, however, I'd like to see a great match for the sake of a great match at Wrestlemania, not just one more opportunity to underscore his undercurrent of a feud with Edge.

Orton briefly celebrates before we switch to more pimping of the BillionHair match that I'm already sick of is shown. Before any signing gets underway, footage is shown from Vince McMahon trying to intimidate Bobby Lashley on the "ECW On Sci-Fi" and Lashley getting tough back with Vinnie Mack is shown.

Then, here's some footage of lackluster Smackdown moments that will translate into midcard matches for Wrestlemania with Khali splitting open Kane's head like a coconut, headbutting him repeatedly before screaming victoriously. (Do I throw back another one here since this was a pre-taped segment? I'm going to wuss out and err on the side of caution and forgo that drink. I've pretty much lost track at this point anyway.)

After the commercial break, it's time for Chris Masters and the Masterlock Challenge! He's looking cut and is sporting some new facial hair. When Masters realizes that there are no takers this week for his challenge, he turns his eye to Lillian Garcia. Can she break the Master Lock? Cue a run-in from Super Crazy and his self-sung theme song. "I am Super. I am Crazy. I am Super Crazy." Jim Ross refers to him as "That Whacky Luchador" and means it. Once again, I wish I could throw back a drink for that comment. Before you can say "Kiss your sweet legacy goodbye, Crazy" Masters has "That Whacky Luchador" on the ground, whimpering after his MasterLock thrashing.

Backstage, Vince swaggers out of his limo before eyeing up Donald Trump's driver outside of The Donald's ride. Vince asks if that’s Trump's car. With the driver affirming it, Vince asks him to "Tell him that "Mine is bigger than his."

In a commercial before a commercial twit, Mick Foley pimps his book again, promising surprises about Ric Flair that even the Nature Boy will be surprised to hear. Foley hits at issues with The Rock and that he didn't really like the concept of DX, insisting that the words "suck it" should never be said on television unless they're prefaced by the word "please." Foley gives a huge, cheesy wink and thumbs up and damn, this man rules. Bonus points for his alternating self-deprecating and self-congratulatory humor by saying "I can't turn on a computer or a woman… But I sure can write with my pen!" Foley is God…but I still have to take another drink as the laws laid out have dictated since he pimped his book.

Things take a sad turn with the loss of yet another legend rather early in this year. "Big Cat" Ernie Ladd passed away this weekend after a long battle with cancer. He was 68. huge dude. Clips of other legends speaking about "The Big Cat" mention how he had commanded respect and gave terrific promos that were as eloquent as they were menacing, not to even speak of his amazing ring ability. Rest in peace, Ernie Ladd.

Backstage, one more lover's quarrel takes place with Orton and Edge having a little pissing contest. Dios mio, man! I see you've rolled your way into the Money In The Bank Finals, man! Edge elaborates to Orton that he has been in 12 Ladder Matches. How many have Orton been in? "That's right! Zero!" Edge also mentions that he is undefeated at Wrestlemania.

Orton counters Edge with saying that he is undefeated because he never faced him at Wrestlemania, adding that he is "younger and better looking." Eh, that's a matter of preference, Mr. Orton. Hell, I'd do 'em both. Maybe even at the same time. That's just the hooch talking bringing out my inner-Divine Brown, though.

In another pre-taped segment, a voice speaks from behind a newspaper obscuring his voice. I'd know that voice and those catchphrases anywhere! It's The Rock! Dwayne Johnson is looking noticeably less muscular and thinner, but still incredibly fit. The Rock has come back to Monday Night RAW!

The Rock says….. that Vince McMahon is going to get his head . He also says that since he is of black and Samoan descent, he knows what the name of McMahon's McMan in Wrestlemania, "Oooh-MaGa!" means in Samoan. Apparently, "Umaga" in Samoan means "shriveled up monkey penis." (Is that any way to talk about a cousin of yours, Rocky?) The Rock asks Vince the question "How are you going to beat Trump with a Shriveled Up Monkey Penis?" Just as I notice how blindingly white The Rock's teeth are (Hollywood suits him!), he pushes down his sunglasses and pushes up his eyebrow. Yes. We smell what The Rock is cooking. And damn, I miss it.

More pre-taped highlight reel hijinx ensue with footage of Ashley doing a Playboy signing at the Virgin Megastore. That's a word that hasn't applied to Ashley in quite some time… And I don't mean "Megastore."

Finally…. Some matches. Have come BACK! To Monday Night RAW! The Tag Team Gauntlet Matches were up next with Michaels Underlining the rift between John Cena and his tag team partner HBK, Michaels first comes out to his DX theme before Cena makes his entrance to his own music. (Can I take a drink because John Cena needs some new theme music? I much prefer his old "Word Life! This is Basic Thuganomics" theme.)

Their opponents in the first gauntlet match happen to be The World's Greatest Tag Team. Charlie Haas gotten rid of the cornrows and got his hair cut. It doesn't suit him either and he looks rather milquetoast.

Cena tosses Benjamin with a modified Fisherman's Suplex before being knocked into Haas and sending him flying off the ring apron. Benjamin tags in Haas and clobbers Cena in the face before scoop-slamming him into a near pinfall. Cena kicks out only to have Haas climb on top, landing several hard punches. Haas makes with the kicky-punchy on Cena. I really expect better of this tag team than such trite offense.

Cena crawls to the corner and tags in Michaels who Inverted Atomic Drops both Haas and Benjamin. Michaels hits the DDT to Benjamin after flipping over the ropes and landing upright. As Michaels celebrates, Cena tags himself in, locking the STFU on Haas taps out.

Well that sucked! Hopefully the next match will be better. Unfortunately, it's not as Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch rush the ring succeeding their failed gauntlet predecessors.

Althoug Cade's face looks bloated, Low-Rise Lance has on trunks that actually fit him. Alas Murdoch does not. His man breasts are more formidable than any of the D-cup Divas on the roster as Murdoch bounces his way into the ring. Yes, I need another drink just to look at that.

Murdoch starts things off, sailing high in the air with a knee drop driven into Michaels' chest. Good ol' J.R. makes for a homoerotic moment, heralding Murdoch as "a stud" of a young competitor. If J.R. was gay, he'd have terrible taste in men. Damnit, pour me one more, barkeep!

Shawn hits Cade with a nice Insaguri kick before Cena invites himself to the party with the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Murdoch. HBK wants a piece to say he won one of the matches and superkicks Murdoch as he's in position to be FU-ed and pinned by Cena. HBK does not look HB-Happy.

As RAW goes to a commercial break the steel cage is lowered. When RAW returns, MNM is taking on the Tag Team Champions. I see that Mercury doesn't have his Mankind/Abyss headgear on. This spells trouble.

From the top rope comes a beautiful corkscrew moonsault from Nitro. It looks awesome, but he misses. Nevertheless, Nitro is fast becoming one of my favorite guys on the RAW brand. Mercury goes to jump to the top ropes and is caught by Cena before he smashes Mercury face-first into the steel cage. And again. And again. Mercury is busted open and is thrown to the ropes once more. Hasn't this guy been broken open enough?

In the corner, Michaels tunes up the band and clips Mercury in the face before Cena nails him with an FU for the pin. Mercury's blood is all over Cena's arm and back. Poor Mercury. And my poor liver, as I take yet another drink according to the rules of the game with a superstar busted open. The Odd Couple retains their title belts for another week!

All of a sudden….Yo! Bum Rush the Show! MNM, Murdoch and Cade, and Haas and Benjamin all come back into the ring and gang up on Michaels and Cena as the cage is lifted back overhead. Ew. I just saw Murdoch's boobies jiggle. Again. Cena bashes Haas in the head with a chair and clears the ring. Michaels just angrily stomps around and throws the chair before climbing out of the ring and continuing the stomping backstage.

Can you say "lackluster," boys and girls? I think you can because that's what that gauntlet match happened to be. The makeshift tag team of Cena and Michaels somehow defeated teams that have been cohesive units for some time. Additionally, they beat all three teams in rapid succession to retain their belts. Moreover, none of these teams, particularly Haas and Benjamin who are arguably the best tag team on the RAW roster, whipped out much of an offense. Uh? And where the hell is Cryme Tyme? Didn't they win a #1 Contender Tag Team spot a month or so back? Not that I'm complaining since they did need a bit more polish, but keeping with the continuity is always a good thing.

Up next, Jeff Hardy is scheduled to face Edge. Edge does not look ready to fight, rocking the jeans and a t-shirt to the ring. He goes off on some schpiel about the Washington Redskins saying "I'll be damned if I'm going to fight in a city that incurs such blatant racial slurs against Native Americans!"

He declares that he has a friend of Indian descent who wants to fight Hardy tonight, although it's a different kind of Indian. The Great Khali.

Wait a minute. He's facing Khali for the second week in a row? Even Jeff Hardy is making a face that looks like "Come on! Make like Nell Carter here and Gimmee a Break!" Khali turns his face to profile position and instead of Washington D.C., I could swear we were now in Chin-sinnatti. Hardy looks like a toddler as Khali hurls him to the canvas. Edge cheers on Khali and then BOOM! Cure the pyro! Kane comes out with his meat hook on a chain combo that has to be a prop left over from his See No Evil film. Kane, with lots of bandages on his forehead hooks the announcer's table and decimates it, issuing a silent, but deadly warning to Khali. And much like the fart of the same name, that match with such little buildup until now has great potential to stink. Poor Kane. He deserves better than to put over another huge guy.

The latest member of the Class of 2007 Hall of Fame, Mr. Fuji - AKA- Harry Fujiwara is announced for induction. The introductory package hits it on the spot that The Devious One was a good wrestler but even better as a manager. Bobby Heenan likens him to Bond's Odd Job with the hat. Fuji was always a lot of fun to watch. And so cute! Like a little penguin! (Whoa. This Amaretto is really getting to me now, baby!)

Backstage, Mick Foley is chatting with Todd Grisham and I surprise myself by remembering Todd Grisham's name. He mentions that Foley's book, The Hardcore Diaries is already a Best Seller. Foley does the cheap pop for Washington DC and allows me to take two drinks. One for the requisite mention of the city and another for plugging his book. Bless your little heart, Jolly Old Saint Mick.

Here comes yet another uncountable drink as Ashley makes an appearance and is rockin' the rack and not wrestling. She offers to trade a copy of her Playboy issue for a copy of Foley's Hardcore Diaries. The Artist Formerly Known As Mankind insists that he can't look at her that way, rattling off a passage from the book. She insists that she was really proud of the shot and Foley accidentally eyes it. Whoa! Almost on cue, the legendary Ron Simmons (who yes, does qualify as a legend even though he hasn't been inducted into the Hall of Fame… Yet.) makes his appearance and smiles his way through another "DAMN!!! " I take another drink. In a segment that lasts under a minute, I've belted back four good gulps of my drink. DAMN is right.

Make that an even five, because Vince is backstage asking his stylist who has a better head of hair, him or Trump. More mention of the ridiculous match, more booze for me.

Once we learn that Snoop Dogg is a member of the RAW Fan Nation (and a member of the Weed Fan Nation, but who's counting), the Women's Champion, Melina is ready to whoop some ass against Torrie Wilson. Melina has decreed that she doesn't like any of the Divas that posed for Playboy and would never do it. She wants to take out all the girls who posed for Playboy, starting with Torrie Wilson.

Torrie gets Melina in an armbar before kneeing her in the back and pulling the champ's arms back for leverage. Melina knees Torrie in the stomach before kicking her and flings Torrie from pillar to post. Torrie rolls Melina backwards. Melina throws Torrie backwards. Melina throws Torrie to the canvas. Torrie takes Melina's legs out from under her and Melina knees Torrie in the nose on the way down. Clotheslines ensue from both women. Some more elementary maneuvers fill up the block of time before Melina goes over Torrie's head and reverses a front face lock before rolling Torrie backwards for the pin.

Not satisfied, Melina lands a vicious kick to Torrie's ample chest. Mickie James runs out and comes to Torrie's rescue before Victoria intervenes on Melina's behalf. Mickie and Victoria go at it while Melina tosses Torrie. Then Mickie and Melina flail away at one another. Ashley makes a run-in from behind and spears Melina, sitting on top of her and slapping her. If this is a preview of Wrestlemania's Women's Title Match, I don't think I can take that one sober. I wonder what Scott Hall is doing April 1st? Hmmm….

The last segment of the evening is ready to be shot out of the cannon, with Vince McMahon and Donald Trump signing the contracts for their Wrestlemania match. En route to the ring, Vince fell flat on his billionaire bum when getting into the ring. Ouch. Whata whiffer.

Taking it in stride and in character, McMahon snaps at the crowd. "Real funny, huh? You laugh at me?!" Inspired by Austin's appearance last week, the crowd seems to be in full "What!?" mode, popping the pronoun at every turn. Vince plays it off by saying "If you're a jerk from Washington D.C. say… " and the crowd of Rhodes Scholars unfailingly answers "What!"

McMahon goes on about Trump before he calls out Umaga to join him in the ring.

Trump then makes his entrance with Maria and Candice Michelle and manages to get laser pointed in the ring. Trump introduces his Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Wrestler with Bobby Lashley and the ECW Champion joins him in the ring with McMahon and Umaga..

Both men sit down to the table and prepare to sign and Trump and McMahon bicker like Auntie Mame and her best friend. I half expect them to launch into a rousing rendition of "Bosom Buddies" a la Rosalind Russell and Angela Lansbury.

Right now, the clock is inching five minutes past 11:00 when Vince tells the crowd that they look like a bunch of stupid morons for believing The Donald could beat him.Trump pats the audience on the back and says that the crowd looks to be a very smart crowd.

Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out and I smell a few more swigs of Amaretto Sour before bedtime. Austin runs to the corners and raises his hands in the air before first laying down the law to Trump as it pertains to the 'Mania match.

He moves on to Vince and asks him if he has a problem with bald headed people, grabbing Vince by the collar. Austin shouts that "No one's gettin' a flat top. No one's gettin' a little off the top. No one's gettin' their ears lowered. Someone's getting' their head completely shaved."

Stone cold catches a few beers and heads to the back. Two more sips for me! The two men sign and as Vince is making his exit, Trump calls to the WWE CEO to check out the digitally altered pictures "his people" came up with in response to McMahon's illustrious Photoshopping of The Donald's dome chromed. The Titan Tron flashes a large photo of what Vince would look like bald. He looks kind of like Kurt Angle and not really bad. Seriously. For a guy of "a certain age," ol' Vinnie Mac isn't a bad looking dude.

Trump calls out Vince to the ring for the two of them to go at it one on one as an ending to the show and asks Bobby to leave the ring and work on Umaga. Vince hurls down the mike and flings aside a few chairs. Vince takes the jacket off and Trump throws McMahon over the table. McMahon flies backwards and over the table, clocking his head on the ring apron.

Could this have been any more of an anti-climactic ending to RAW that went on waaaaaay too long? By the time the final credits rolled with Austin hoofing it to the back, it was 11:15. The signing between Vince McMahon and Donald Trump went on longer than most of the matches.

While last week's episode was terrific, this one left much to be desired. The lack of continuity, the continued undue emphasis on the McMahon/Trump fracas, and the matches devoid of serious action contributed to a lackluster RAW. It seems as if matches are being haphazardly cobbled together to round out the Wrestlemania card without any real foundation for fans to get behind.

Thankfully, I had a few drinks to make this episode go down smooth.