Whereas last week, along the "Road to Wrestlemania" I had to make a pit stop at the liquor store, this week could best be summed up as scavenging desperately for a rest stop to expunge the excrement that was this episode of RAW. Once again, Vince McMahon over-hyped his non-match with Trump at Wrestlemania, punctuating his promotion by making RAW brand simpleton Eugene stand-in for Trump with a horrid haircut. More feuds-as-opposed-to-matches were pimped for 'Mania. Toss in major push-time for Ashley and Lashley, and this baby's ready to be flushed. The peanut on top of the turd however, came with submission superstar, Chris Benoit tapping like Gregory Hines to John Cena in the main event. Somewhere, Kevin Sullivan is cackling with unbridled glee.

Things start off on the right foot with a dedication to the late, great Golden Boy, Arnold Skaaland who passed away last week. In all honesty, Skaaland deserved a better episode to have dedicated to his memory than this one.

Kicking off RAW Reversal week in which members of the Smackdown roster would crossover to the RAW brand to engage in squared circle combat, fans were scheduled to be treated to a Battle of the Initials: HBK vs. JBL

I wondered where this one was heading, considering that surgery has been in the cards for one John Bradshaw Layfield. Michaels makes his entrance to his DX music and I could swear the tattoo on his arm is fading.

JBL is driven up to ringside in his Longhorn Limo to his bastardized mash-up of the themes from "Stripes" and "Dallas" replete with lowing moos that have only been heretofore heard at Anna Nicole's funeral. JBL emerges wearing a suit, which usually means he's not going to be wrestling.

JBL verbally assaults HBK in the ring and informs him that nobody tells JBL
when to come out of retirement. Thank you, JBL. I'm glad you're staying within the confines of retirement. I like you so much better on the microphone than in the ring, Mr. Bradshaw-Layfield.

JBL continues harping on Shawn, that he has had countless opportunities beat Cena, but hasn't. He insists that Michaels hides behind the good guy façade and "got religion" and won't step up to mash Cena into a bloody pulp. He calls Michaels a "selfish prick" and the censors attempt to mute it out seconds, too late, chiming in with the three-second delay one word too late and letting the "prick" fly from JBL's mouth. (Oh. That didn't sound too good.)

HBK makes the chinless face and you can tell he's getting angry. JBL hands the mike off to him and Shawn speaks his piece. He counters JBL by saying that he came here to fight on the program, not to exchange words. He will also beat Cena because he believes that sometimes the greatest mind game of all is to play no mind games.

He elaborates, taking a page from JBL's book that "nobody tells The Heartbreak Kid when to deliver Sweet Chin Music" and that it will be when JBL least expects it. A few sentences later, Shawn winds back and kicks JBL square in the mush.

This wasn't a match. There was no HBK vs. JBL. Instead, we got handed a bunch of B.S. However, Shawn was having a terrific hair night. It looked very fluffy, shiny and like he got a good trim on his split-ends and deep conditioner treatment. To cop a phrase from Borat "Is niiice!"

Shawn makes his exit by slapping on JBL's ten gallon hat and hoofing it to the back.

Edge is shown in the locker room, looking super scruffy backstage ogling WWE Magazine. Edge reminds me less and less of Edge and is starting to bear a striking resemblance to actor John Glover who plays Lionel Luthor on "Smallville." He needs to borrow some of Shawn Michael's latest batch of Paul Mitchell because his strands are looking kinda greasy. Randy Orton comes in and immediately flips on Edge for leaving him high and dry on ECW last week. Having been sent on a McMission from Vince to destroy the Invincible Bobby Lashley, they failed because of Edge. Now, Edge must compete in the makeshift Battle Royal tonight to gain back his Money In The Bank spot at Wrestlemania. Once again, I'm feeling all kinds of Nostradamus here and predicting that the MITB Ladder Match is merely a tool to propel the Edge vs. Orton feud.

Up next in the ring, get ready for Master Lock Challenge - Part 784. This should be rechristened the "How Low Can Your Trunks Ride Challenge" since it looks like The Masterpiece borrowed something from Low-Rise Lance Cade's ring attire. I can see Masters' hip divits (not that I'm complaining) jutting above his tights. Damn. That's low.

The challenger this week is none other than …. Bobby Lesnar!!! Ummm… I mean Lashley. Yeah. Bobby Lashley comes out and instantly, you know the streak is going to come to an end.

Surprisingly, standing next to one another, Chris Masters looks bigger than Lashley. The ECW Champion sits in the chair, preparing to endure the hold. Masters is having a hard time getting his finisher on him due to Lashley's muscle density. Eventually, he clamps the hold on him and Lashley staggers around in the hold. Lashley drops to one knee and gets to his feet before dropping to another knee and getting up again. With a massive thrust, he breaks the hold and the Master Lock record has been broken. Just like the chair The Masterpiece flings towards the ring before stomping to the back, hip-huggers and all. The announce team of Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler mention that the Master Lock was unbroken for two years before the very celebratory Lashley broke it on the program. In under 30 seconds. Oh, the drama. Oh, the build-up.

From Lashley, we go to Ashley, with Ms. Massarro's Playboy appearance being pimped which gives Bobby Lashley enough time to head to the backstage area where he is the recipient of Vince McMahon's slow golf-clap backstage. Vince snarkily congratulates him on breaking the hold before mentioning that someone (who shall remain nameless) threw his gear into the parking lot. Security escorts Lashley out of the building, but not before the ECW champion grins menacingly at him.

Vinnie Mac pauses to admire the lovely Maria decked out in red backstage. Cue everyone's favorite moron, Eugene who accidentally spills water on Vince McMahon's suit. Mr. McMahon ponders the nature of the liquid. Iced tea? Vodka? His seething anger is thinly veiled as he assured Eugene that "accidents happen" before adding that he hopes he doesn't have an accident. Eugene happily scampers off without hearing McMahon bellow, "Get me Umaga!"

And now it's time for your Ron Simmons Moment of Zen. The Artist Formerly Known as Farooq pops out of nowhere backstage and casts a look upon Vince McMahon's tie. Water on ANY tie is bad news and Simmons knows it, crying a loud, lamenting "DAMN!" of mourning for Vinnie Mac's fallen piece of couture.

Following the commercial break, JR and The King give their regards to Arnold Skaaland's family, adding a very nice touch that he is probably playing cards with Gorilla Monsoon in Heaven right now. A special package highlighting the Golden Boy's career is shown with Vince McMahon, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, Sgt. Slaughter and several others elaborating on how loyal and what an all-around good guy Skaaland was, having worked not only as a wrestler, but a manager, and also behind the scenes.

While I never saw any of his wrestling matches, I was always struck by what a nice manager Skaaland seemed to be during the Backlund Years. In a time of very colorful, mean managers, Skaaland's congenial contrast was a nice change of pace. Rest in Peace, Arnold Skaaland.

In a slightly less somber vein, Stone Cold Steve Austin appears on one of the Wrestlemania: All Grown Up commercials, telling a tells a touching tale of growing up being picked on by kids. Going to his father for a guidance, Papa Austin told young Steve to "open a can of whoop ass." Aww. That sounds like what my Mom told me to do back in grade school. I guess we are "all grown up."

Following the break, here comes the Money In the Bank: The sort-of-kind-of-is-it-really the Final Chapter, Qualifying Match Part 3. This time, they're calling it the Last Chance Battle Royal. And boy does it look it. And betcha by golly, wow! We're only 40-plus minutes into the show before an actual "match" (if you can call this one, considering that a Masterlock Challenge does not an actual match make) is shown on RAW. Yes indeedy, kids! This really sucks.

Assembled in the ring are Shelton Benjamin, Val Venis, Edge, Ric Flair, Super Crazy, Vis, Kenny Dykstra, Carlito, and Charlie Haas. Right out of the gate, everyone gangs up on Viscera with his goofy white pajamas. Vis is the first to be dumped out of the ring.

Lots of punching and kicking ensues and Carlito nearly tosses Super Crazy out. The wily luchador holds onto the ropes and pulls himself back in.

Outside the ring, Edge is limping around, having hurt his knee, however he hasn't been eliminated because he went under bottom rope. Carlito nearly eliminates Nitro, but Nitro clutches the ropes and boots Carlito in the face on his way back in.

Crazy plows Haas and lights up Benjamin with punches before both partners pick up Crazy and toss him out or the ring, eliminating him from competition.

Violating the cardinal rule of televised Battle Royals, RAW cuts to a commercial and joins the ruckus already in progress. Four men are left and nary a recap of the events leading to the final four is in sight. Flair bounces Kenny's grapefruits off of the ropes, giving him "Blue Chipper Balls" before tossing him out while Carlito eliminates Nitro.

Lawler and Ross note the irony of Flair and Carlito in the ring together, since this pairing has happened in the two, ill-fated qualifying matches before.. Flair hits Carlito with chops. Carlito goes into his usual bit of moves. Finally, Flair creeps up on him after narrowly being thrown out of the ring and getting back in. Carlito tries to pull Flair over the top rope with his legs only to have the Nature Boy sliding back into the ring between Carlito's legs Ric throws Carlito over the top and has his hand raised in victory.

Seconds afterwards, Edge (sporting a new, unidentifiable tattoo) ambushes Flair and throws him out over the top and wins back his MITB spot.

Lame. Yes, we all know that wrestling is fake, but could the "creative" team at least try to make it slightly more plausible? The idea of a wrestler faking an injury and coming in to snipe at the last moment after having been outside the ring is insulting to fans. For that matter, so is the fact that it's taken three additional weeks to play out the Carlito/Flair tensions and insert Edge and Orton into the match. Once again, instead of the MITB match being a Wrestlemania showstopper, it's only going to underscore yet another tired feud between Edge and Orton. I like both wrestlers, but no feud should take up that much time.

Hit the "No Chance" music because here comes Vince! His entourage wheels the utensils and barber chair to ringside before announcing the man who will take him to victory, Umaga - AKA - Shriveled Monkey Penis. Graphics from Crash Bandicoot play behind Umaga and the oddly non-verbal as of late Estrada as they make their entrance with mechanical masks floating behind him as his super-cool music plays.

Eugene is sent out to the wolves to do penance for ruining Vinnie Mac's tie.
Umaga sneaks in and cheap shots Eugene as he was mesmerized by the spinning barber pole.

Inside the ring, Umaga jumps up and smashes his Samoan kumquats on Eugene's face. Eugene gets ass-mashed into the corner before the Samoan Bulldozer nails him with the dreaded Spike.

Vince just comes to the realization that the barber chair is by the middle of the ring and a Grinch-like grin spreads across his face as he has a terrible, awful idea.

I've come to the realization myself that Edge wasn't the only one to get inked this week and Umaga now has more tattoos, too. Vince urges Umaga onward to beat the crap out of Eugene. Yeah, you can tell where this is headed right before McMahon, Umaga and Estrada strap Eugene into the barber's chair and plan to do a number on his hair. Eugene looks to be in the early stages of becoming a MPB (Male Pattern Baldness) VIP anyway.

Umaga goes to choke out Eugene while Vince goes nuts with the scissors and clippers. Vince channels Joan Crawford, yelling "shut up." It's a genuinely creepy moment and a low point of an already crappy show. (Don't worry. The real low point comes at the end.) After making Eugene look like the Missing Link, Vinnie Mac winds it up with a Billionaire Bitchslap before spinning the chair around and sending it crashing to the floor. Vince and Co. intend to finish the job in the back as Umaga picks Eugene up by what strands that he has left. (I'm wondering what sort of gimmick Nick Dinsmore is going to have left with this latest turn of events, too?)

This is apparently a deeply symbolic act. By going to town on Eugene, he imagines that he's going to shave everyone's head in the arena who ever booed him. Well, I guess that's just more incentive to stay away from house-shows now, isn't it?

This vignette has pretty much cemented the fact that Vince is going to lose at Wrestlemania. Okay, that and the fact that Lashley beat the Master Lock and is being given a gigantic push. But the safe money is on McMahon looking like Mr. Clean by the end of 'Mania.

After another commercial break, Candice Michelle is shown in the ring wearing what looks like skull-print pajamas. And egads! She has a microphone! Please. For the love of all that is good, put the microphone down, Candice. Too late. Candice Michelle sucks up to the crowd before expressing her displeasure with comments from Melina's blog on WWE.com. The Women's Champion says that Playboy cover girls can't compete with her in the ring. (Well, she's right, though.) Candice Michelle asserts that she is a Playboy cover girl and wants to fight Melina. Good luck with that, sweet cheeks.

Melina comes out in an Asian themed outfit and lambastes Candice Michelle. She says that Candice still has a job here because she knows how to take off her clothes. She then goes on to mock the complexity of the GoDaddy dance that made Candice famous. Melina brags that she beat Torrie last week and will do the same to Candice.

Incidentally, Candice needs to cut back on the bleach. Her hair is getting lighter by the week and there are very few brunettes on the roster as it is.

Melina continues and says that there's a reason why she hasn't been a Playboy cover girl and that it is beneath her. Candice mentions that Melina has been "beneath" nearly every guy in the locker room. (I can't help but wonder who writes this stuff?)

Candice wants Melina to compete in a bra and panties match right now, with no titles on the line. Melina agrees to it and after the break, the match is joined in progress with Candice and Melina rolling around on the mat and all credibility of the Women's Division flying out the window along with Eugene's hair, Pat Patterson's Grammar Book, and T.L. Hopper's plunger.

After discovering that Melina has on red panties, both women roll around on the mat with their legs around one another's heads. Several slams of Candice's face to the mat later, Melina yanks off Candice's tights and wins the match.

Ashley makes her way down to the ring, probably more scantily clad than either of the two bra and panties participants post-match. Melina shoves Ashley, who boots her in the gut and yanks off her top. Melina wears a nifty red and leopard bra and I'm wondering where I can get one of those.

The Great Khali's music sounds and he trudges to the ring. Melina slides back in and wallops Ashley so that she lays in the middle of the ring. The Women's Champion beats it to the back as Ashley slinks away inside the ring and Khali picks her up and man-handles her. Does the Great Khali have to choke a bitch? I think he does. Before he can, Lawler makes the save for Ashley and is lifted up for a high chokeslam, taking one for Team Ashley. Who says that chivalry is dead?

With Lawler backstage getting looked at by the team of doctors, the ever-so-milquetoast Todd Grisham joins JR at the announce table in time for Jeff Hardy's match against Randy Orton.

Hardy makes his entrance, does his little dance, and clutches his back in pain. For a second, I thought that this might be a real match. Wow. And only an hour and a half into the show! How about that!

Before Randy Orton comes down to the ring and strikes his pose, Jim Ross shills for Skittles, saying that "King, this is for you!" and dishes out some extra "Fruity, fruity! By God, fruity!"

Inside the ring, the two men lock up. Orton swings and misses at Hardy who takes him over in an armbar. Orton reaks out, wrapping a hand around Hardy's head and punching him. Orton then uses his own back to negotiate an inverted backbreaker on Jeff Hardy, rolling him over for a pin and a near fall.

Orton works on Hardy's back with his modified Boston Crab. Jeff inches closer to the ring ropes and the ref breaks the hold. Hardy takes Orton down to the mat before delivering a spinning mule kick to Orton's head. Hardy is winged to the ropes and executes a Whisper in the Wind on Orton. Randy's down, but Edge comes to the ring and pushes a ladder into the ring. Orton grapples with the referee over the ladder and the match ends in a disqualification.

Nevertheless, Hardy drops the Twist of Fate on Orton before climbing atop the ladder and executing a nice leap-frog leg drop over the top of it and onto Orton. Edge smiles happily, walking backwards to behind the curtain. Edge has Chris Jericho hair and it's not good Jericho-as-Undisputed-Champion-Hair, either. This is Jericho on Celebrity Duets hair. Woof.

Eating up another five minutes of the broadcast is a preview for Stone Cold's new movie, "The Condemned."

Backstage, Vince makes a match for next week pitting himself against Bobby Lashley. Would someone kindly page the (painfully non-existent) Continuity Department here. So, Vince is cleared to get in the ring with Lashley, but not Trump? He's not afraid to face Lashley, but won't go mano a mano with The Donald? Yeah. I thought so.

Rec(r)apping the events of the night, Jim Ross outlines that earlier on, Eugene knocked into Mr. McMahon, spilling his beverage on Vinnie Mac's snazzy duds. Eugene picking up Vince's dry-cleaning bill would have been a lot more shocking than what stemmed from the event.

Eyeing his botched haircut in the mirror backstage, Eugene cries "Why me?!" while trying to reattach his hair to head. Eugene is now the latest roster member to join the ranks of the Kane n' Snitsky Hair Club for Men.

At ringside, Shawn Michaels sits next to JR and Whatsisname to watch RAW Heavyweight Champion Cena go against United States Title-holding Rabid Wolverine of Smackdown in yet another "RAW Reversal Night match.

Chris Benoit comes down to the ring with a look on his face like "I don't have time for this crap." Word, Benoit, my friend. Word.

Cena's music is cued up for the millionth time before the two men go at it. Benoit goes nuts with hard chops and kicks. Cena is knocked backwards and kicked to the outside of the ring. Benoit is relentless. Cena's head is slammed on the announcer's table directly in front of Michaels, who seems rattled. JR assures Shawn that Cena put the breaks on and could have easily taken Michaels' head off at that point. HBK gives Ross the hairy eyeball. Apparently, he doesn't buy it.

Benoit drops Cena backwards and slides down to the mat, delivering a swift, but hard elbow, chopping Cena into the corner. He whips him to the post and Cena picks his feet up at the last minute and drives his legs into Benoit's chest

Cena flings Benoit to the corner and this time, Benoit brings his feet up. He takes Cena over by his leg before clamping on the sharpshooter. Cena inches his way towards the ropes, only to be dragged back further by Benoit to the center of the ring. Cena manages to grasp the rope and break the hold.

Moving forward, Benoit nails Cena with the Three Amigos -- three German Suplexes in rapid succession. Benoit climbs to the top for the head butt (a move I've never quite understood) and Cena moves out of the way. Cena runs at Benoit and then suplexes the Wolverine. Out comes the "You Can't See Me: Followed by the "Five Knuckle Shuffle." Followed by… Cena clutching his own back? Wait! That's not an approved Cena maneuver! Cena picks up Benoit for an FU but Benoit reverses it and tries to get a Crippler Crossface on Cena. Instead, Cena ends up getting him in the STFU.

Benoit then taps to Cena. Benoit doesn't tap to anyone. However, he taps to Cena. Not just taps, but taps like a Broadway revival of 42nd Street. To the oh-so-devastating power of Cena's STFU, no less. Again. We all know everything is scripted but please, could the writers at least make a concerted effort at believability? Please?

Following "The J.O.B. Heard 'Round the Wrestling World," Shawn Michaels storms the ring. Cena picks up HBK in an almost-FU to put the fear of Cena/God in him before setting his co-Tag Team Championship partner down. JBL comes out echoing Rodney King and asking "Why can't we all get along?"

The duties for plugging next week's RAW matches fall to JBL who announces next week's card of McMahon vs. Lashley and a rematch of HBK & Cena vs. Batista & Undertaker. Undertaker's music makes an appearance, although 'Taker himself doesn't. With this one circling the bowl, not even the prospect of the Undertaker appearing can save this episode.

Where to begin with what was wrong with this one? While it doesn't have the all-encompassing suckitude of the infamous Faux-Rosie/Faux-Donald episode several months back, it comes close. The true icing on the cake was having Benoit pay a visit to RAW for the express purpose of losing so handily to Cena.

I can't blame Cena or Lashley for the position The Powers That Be have put them in. I like both wrestlers, but news flash, there are at least 30 other qualified wrestlers in the WWE's employ who don't get the airtime that they should with The Chosen Two being pushed to kingdom come. As it stands now, the only match I really give a rat's ass about is the MITB match and they're finding a way to ruin even that by saturating it with the unimaginative Orton/Edge feud. Again, I like both wrestlers, but if Wrestlemania is "the Granddaddy of Them All," at this rate, he should be headed for the old folks home because this is pretty stale.