Once
in a while, WWE comes through and gives the fans a really
good episode. After enduring several weeks of drivel, this
installment of RAW made good with excellent matches, a fast
pace, and several noteworthy moments making it two hours
well-spent in front of the tube.
The show began with the legendary Undertaker emerging from
his smog n' bong-filled entrance to make like Sophie and
give his choice as to who he would be facing for a major
title at Wrestlemania. The broadcast team of Jim Ross and
Jerry "The King" Lawler recounted 'Taker's undefeated
14-0 record at Wrestlemania and heralded him as "The
Conscience of the WWE." Taking a good look at the Dead
Man, he's clearly in great condition, probably better now
than ten years ago. He's looking jacked.
While we're still taking a closer look at the Undertaker,
he definitely had some more tattoo work done with some black-work
extending from the "Sara" in the middle of his
neck to all the way around his neck. As 'Taker went into
his near-patented eye-roll showing the whites of his orbs,
I noticed that his liquid eyeliner could have been more carefully
applied. Come on! I expect better of the WWE make-up department!
Undertaker wisely went with the slicked-back wet hair tonight
which camouflaged his auburn roots fairly well. I'm hoping
that somewhere on "The Road to Wrestlemania" Undertaker
makes a pit stop and picks up some hair-dye. He's usually
pretty good about that considering his hair is always one-color
come major PPV time.
As the Dead Man stood silent in the ring, the RAW Champion,
John Cena made his entrance. Before he had much of an opportunity
to talk, unfamiliar music filled the arena. Sure enough,
this had to be the ECW Champion, Bobby Lashley, explaining
why I had no clue as to who the theme belonged to. While
I've always enjoyed Lashley's matches, I can't bring myself
to watch ECW in its current state.
Predictably, Lashley didn't say anything before Smackdown's
Champion, Batista made his entrance. It was apparent that
he meant business, forgoing the suit and coming out in his
trunks that were all-but-obscured by the very large Championship
belt around his waist. For a second, it looked like Batista
was going to give The Naked Cowboy ("I'm the Naked Cowboy
/ Comin' to a town near you") a good run for his money
until he turned around and the viewing audience could be
sure that all of his "Animal-parts" were sufficiently
covered. Before finally entering the ring, Batista did his
little "typewriter dance" that I've come to love
so much to the tune of rattling fireworks.
The three champions lined up in the middle of the ring as
Undertaker walked past them like Sgt. Hulka, giving each
man the once-over. Undertaker's expression so rivaled that
of Droopy Dog I was half-expecting him to Dead Man deadpan: "You
know what? I'm happy."
Coming to the end of the line, it seemed as if Undertaker
would delay his choosing of a Wrestlemania opponent, turning
on his heel. Seconds later, Undertaker turned back around
and made a ferocious slashing motion across his throat with
his thumb and staring directly in Batista's face. Undertaker
had made his choice.
Seconds later, Shawn Michaels' music could be heard blaring
through the arena, petitioning John Cena for a crack at the
Championship at Wrestlemania. Something about the speech
reminded me of asking someone to escort you to the prom.
The Wrestlemania-As-Prom theme continued with Randy Orton
emerging and disputing Michaels' claim saying that "I
am asking John Cena to the prom!" Okay, so he didn't
say that, but it really seemed like that was going to come
out of his mouth.
Joining Romy and Michelle - AKA - Randy and Michaels, Edge
made his appearance, contesting that if anyone had the right
to challenge Cena at Wrestlemania, it would be him. (Because
we've all seen that match about thirty times before, right?)
To settle the dispute, The Chairman himself, Mr. McMahon
swaggered down the steel ramp. Before weighing in on the
matter, McMahon asked the Iowa crowd "what the hell
are we doing in this cornfield?" The crowd booed his
assessment of the Hawkeye State as Vinnie Mac set up some
matches for the evening.
He decreed that in the evening's main event, Shawn Michaels,
Edge, and Randy Orton would compete in a Triple Threat match
for a spot on the Wrestlemania card against John Cena.
Vince also mentioned that no one had challenged ECW Champion,
Bobby Lashley, whom he opined was the best champ in the ring,.
No disrespect to the talents of Bobby Lashley, but I'd wager
it's because no one really wants the ECW title. I wonder
if ECW is really the proverbial cornfield where Vince McMahon
gets his Bill Mumy on and wishes wrestlers away?
Mr. McMahon declared that Bobby Lashley would defend his
ECW title tonight against anyone who was brave enough to
step forward and stake a claim on the belt.
All but Undertaker and Batista headed for the back to prepare
for their matches later in the program. The two big men stared
down before Undertaker reached out, grabbing Batista by the
throat and picking him up in a massive chokeslam. The Undertaker
stared menacingly at the camera before RAW went to its first
commercial break.
Up next was a Six Man Tag match featuring Carlito (with
his ever-present pal, Torrie Wilson) and Cryme Tyme. Their
opponents were Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin - The World's
Greatest Tag Team and Chris Masters. If Carlito is present,
you know Masters can't be too far away.
With all six men in the ring, things started off with Carlito
landing a brutal-looking kick to the Masterpiece. The ring
cleared and the two legal men starting things off, Shelton
Benjamin and JTG went at it. It started out as a punch-kick
fest before JTG pulled off a surprise Lou Thesz Press on
Benjamin. Benjamin countered with a high thigh kick that
made contact with JTG's face.
Shelton tagged in Haas who immediately pulled off a beautiful
belly-to-belly suplex on JTG. Having been flung to the corner,
JTG found himself being battered into the canvas by Chris
Masters. Masters made an appearance in the ring, holding
JTG as Haas kicked the Cryme Tymer in the ribs. Meanwhile,
Shelton had solidly kicked JTG's partner, Shad, off of the
ring apron and down to the floor.
JTG managed to get to the corner and tag in Carlito. Leaping
over the top rope and into the fray, Carlito took out The
World's Greatest Tag Team by springboarding off of the ropes
and nailing them backwards with a double-armed clothesline,
finishing it off with a Million Dollar Knee Lift.
The final moments of the match found Haas in the ring, eating
a hurracurrana by Carlito and Carlito nearly having Haas
pinned. The referee was distracted and didn't catch the pin.
Shelton and Haas double-teamed Carlito with Shelton jumping
clean over his partner's head and knocking Carlito backwards.
Haas rolled Carlito for the pin with The World's Greatest
Tag Team and Chris Masters emerging victorious.
This, besides being an excellent match to start the show
off with, was just an excellent match period. Shelton Benjamin
continues to show that he is the best pure wrestler on RAW
today. His mike skills may lack, however his matches are
incredible to watch. Haas and Carlito are no slouches themselves.
Masters and Shad were relative non-entities in the match,
not getting much of a chance to strut their stuff. However,
JTG surprised me by throwing a nice Lou Thesz press out there.
Backstage, Vince McMahon and his executive assistant, Jonathan
Coachman were yaking it up. Mr. McMahon insisted that Donald "Money
Dropping From the Ceiling" Trump did not know what the
fans wanted. McMahon insisted that WWE fans demanded value,
and that's exactly what he would give him.
The executive pair were interrupted by young Kenny Dykstra
who volunteered to be the brave soul to step forward and
challenge Bobby Lashley for the ECW title that night on RAW.
McMahon gave him the green light and another match was made
for the night's program.
Continuing their Trump-centric conversation, Coach informed
Mr. McMahon that he had a letter for him from The Donald
himself. Angrily snatching the document from Coach's hands,
Vinnie Mac read it aloud. Next week, Donald Trump would be
making an in-person appearance on RAW. (Just a quick mention,
but next week's episode of RAW will be shown live on Thursday
night on USA at 8PM Eastern.)
Trump's letter intimated to McMahon that he had a business
proposal that would change Vince's life forever. (PLEASE!
Don't let Trump get his hands in the wrestling business!
We all saw what happened when another billionaire threw his
hat into the squared circle and that didn't end too well.)
McMahon said that he had a business proposal of his own for
Trump that would feature two billionaires in a WWE arena
for the first time ever, hinting that Trump could find himself
joining Vince's "elite club."
In another backstage segment, Maria interviewed the great
Ric Flair, who was sporting his super sweet black leather
and blue marabou-trimmed robe. Ric also had a few flyaways
kicking on his usually well-groomed platinum locks, but we'll
let that slide since he's the Nature Boy. Letting loose with
several "Woo!"s, Flair acknowledged that if he
won his match on RAW against Jeff Hardy, he would qualify
to challenge Hardy for the Intercontinental Title at Wrestlemania.
Continuing the behind-the-scenes hijinx, Melina and Candice
Michelle exchanged false pleasantries as Johnny Nitro gave
his woman a pep-talk regarding her match for the Women's
Title on the program against Mickey James. Nitro would also
be facing the man who dared slap Melina on last week's RAW,
Super Crazy. Referring to the luchador as "ese gordo
cabrón , " Nitro botched his Spanish language
syntax in addition to throwing out some very mean insults
towards Super Crazy. (For the curious grammarians out there,
in Spanish, the noun " cabrón " would come
before the adjective "gordo." If you're going to
insult someone in a foreign language, Mr. Nitro, please adhere
to correct grammatical rules. Thank you!
In the ring, the requisite squash match ensued with ECW's
Balls Mahoney standing in as this week's whipping post for
Umaga. As a bastardized instrumental of AC/DC's "Big
Balls" played in the background, J.R. and Lawler expounded
on Vince McMahon's visit to ECW last week in which the Chairman
was angered by the host of old school ECW originals on the
brand. Hoping to make an example of one of them, Balls was
set up in a match against Umaga.
Unlike Val Venis last week, Balls managed to get a few punches
in on Umaga. The results were similar with his punches having
little effect on the lumbering Samoan. Umaga tossed him underneath
the ropes and yanked back on Balls' chin before setting him
up on the ropes and guillotining the ECW veteran.
True to formula, Umaga squashed Balls with his usual arsenal
of maneuvers: first the Samoan Drop, then ass-splash to the
corner. This prompted Lawler to blurt out the gem of the
night that "Umaga's just playing with Balls right now." I
love that Lawler!
Umaga finished Balls and the match off by pinning Mahoney
following a Samoan Spike. The broadcast team underscored
the revenge card that Mr. McMahon was playing in an attempt
to embarrass the original ECW superstars. Uh, I think the
current incarnation of ECW is doing that well enough with
no need from Mr. McMahon to drive the nail any further into
the coffin.
After a brief word from the sponsors, Melina accompanied
her man, Johnny Nitro to the ring for his match against Super
Crazy. Nitro was wearing a very snazzy red faux-fur and metallic
leather full-length coat. Unfortunately, Nitro slathered
a little too much man-tan on his perfect abs that made his
skin almost indistinguishable from the coat's crimson hue.
Accompanying Super Crazy to the ring, Mickey James was sporting
a serious tan, too. (I wonder if Clinque was giving out samples
backstage in the dressing room?) This week, it would appear
that Super Crazy wisely abandoned his new "I am Super!
I am Crazy!" schtick. Good for him!
The match got underway with Nitro dropping Super Crazy with
a swift kick to the huevos, climbing on top of the luchador
and pummeling him. Johnny Nitro executed some impressive
chain wrestling maneuvers (which J.R. noted as well), nailing
Super Crazy with a Nitro Neckbreaker, turning into an inverted
backbreaker which segued into a Russian Leg-Sweep. Nitro
nearly scored a pin. Super Crazy kicked out and the whole
cycle began again with the tide turning in Super Crazy's
favor. He sent Nitro to the canvas with a low drop-kick before
ascending to the ropes.
Melina attempted to trip up Super Crazy on the ropes. Crazy's
corner-woman, Mickey James, returned the favor by tripping
Nitro. As Crazy climbed the ropes yet again, Nitro elbowed
him off. Not to be thwarted, Crazy went to the well again,
delivering an amazing, arcing moonsault backwards off of
the top rope and crashing onto Nitro below. Super Crazy achieved
the three count, winning the match and a congratulatory hug
from the Women's Champion, Mickey James.
Yet another good match on the evening's card, the wrestling
capabilities of both men proved to be exceptional. Super
Crazy, as always, was in fine form. However, it was Nitro
who really surprised me, showing great skill in effectively
linking several maneuvers together. The two men moved fluidly
in the ring and pulled off an excellent match.
A few minutes later, Mickey and Melina battled it out in
a brutal match for the Women's title. The bout began with
Mickey tackling Melina to the canvas, prompting both women
to roll around grabbing each other's hair and throwing violent
punches.
Getting to their feet, Mickey clamped Melina's arm behind
her in a hammerlock. Melina grabbed a handful of Mickey's
hair to break the hold before nailing the Women's Champ with
boot to the stomach. Mickey recovered, neatly dropping Melina
with a cartwheeling bulldog.
No slouch herself in inventive holds, Melina twisted Mickey's
legs into a grapevine while yanking back on her hair. As
Mickey regained her legs, Melina twisted the Champion's arms
around her own neck, yanking back and choking her.
Angered, Mickey judo-flipped Melina onto the canvas. Some
more back-and-forth battling left both women clutching their
jaws. Melina threw Micky out of the ring before dragging
her back in and dropping to her knees on top of Mickey's
neck. Melina would have had the pin if the referee didn't
see her grab the ring ropes for leverage. As the count was
busted up, Mickey rolled Melina backwards for the pin, retaining
her title.
Super Crazy returned the earlier favor, hoisting Mickey
in the air on his shoulder. As the two trotted to the back,
Melina's post-match meltdown was caught on camera by the
hordes of paparazzi that boyfriend Nitro had arranged to
have present to capture Melina winning the title that evening.
Backstage, John Cena offered some kind words in an attempt
bolster the confidence and to win over his co-Tag Team Champion,
Shawn Michaels. He told him to "be safe" in the
match because they are champions together. He also mentioned
that he was hoping Edge won the Triple Threat match because
he knew for a fact he could kick Edge's ass. Somewhere in
there lurked a compliment. A sunny Cena left Shawn to shine
his belt and ponder the pleasantry.
In a match for a shot at the Intercontinental Title at Wrestlemania,
Ric Flair squared off against Jeff Hardy. Ric came out wearing
his awesome robe, which usually means that he ends up losing
the match. Once again, the theory of Ring Attire Augury prevails.
(Ric Flair seems to always win whenever he comes to the ring
sporting his gold velvet-and-sequin robe.)
His opponent, the reigning Intercontinental Champion, Jeff
Hardy gave due respect to the Nature Boy, sincerely applauding
him as he entered the ring. J.R. and The King mentioned the
shared Carolina lineage both men shared and how much of an
influence Flair was on Hardy as a young wrestling fan. Incidentally,
it looked like Charlie Haas did Jeff Hardy's hair this weekend,
being the second white boy on the show to rock some braids.
The match started off with Hardy clutching Ric Flair in
a standing side-headlock. With a mighty "WOO",
Flair sent the youngster packing to the ropes where the two
men traded hard slaps to the face and chest. Flair succeeded
in throwing Hardy over the top rope.
As Jeff Hardy scrambled back into the ring, Flair tripped
Hardy, doing some damage to his leg. For most of the match,
Hardy sold the knee injury, particularly in climbing to the
top rope and sailing over Flair's head, landing on his knee
and causing the commentators to speculate if he had hyper-extended
it.
Flair worked over the leg, flipping Hardy to the canvas,
bearing down and twisting Hardy's ankle. Making his way to
his feet, Hardy received several hard chops to the chest
from the Dirtiest Player in the Game before Flair grabbed
his leg in an attempt to flip him over. Hardy turned the
tide, nailing Flair with an Insaguri kick. Not registering
immediately, Flair eventually performed his famed flop to
the canvas, stunned by the blow.
Jeff Hardy was on a roll, knocking Flair to the mat and
climbing to the top rope and executing a Whisper in the Wind
followed by a Twist of Fate.
Hardy went to the top rope yet again to attempt the Swanton,
however the wily Flair moved out of the way. Invigorated,
Flair began to "style and profile" in the ring
as only he can before catching Jeff Hardy's leg in his signature
Figure Four Leg Lock.
Finding enough strength to revert the maneuver, Jeff Hardy
rolled Rick Flair backwards in an inside cradle for the three-count.
Jeff Hardy won the match.
Ric Flair, visibly upset by losing a chance at the Intercontinental
Title, stared down Jeff Hardy who only met him with more
sincere applause for his hero. The consummate professional,
Flair shook Hardy's hand and gave his young competitor a
hug.
Once again, this episode of RAW came through with another
great match. Another standout superstar on the RAW brand,
Jeff Hardy consistently puts on solid matches. And what more
can be said about Ric Flair than that he is a true legend.
His reputation precedes him and even in his 50s, it's still
clear that his love for professional wrestling has not waned.
Beyond that, the man can still stand toe-to-toe with wrestlers
20 years his junior and put on a tremendous show.
Up next, Kenny Dykstra challenged Bobby Lashley for the
ECW Championship Title. As Kenny stood in the ring, feeling
oh-so-metro in his garish hot pink trunks, Jim Ross read
off Bobby Lashley's impressive resume as three-time amateur
champion, a three-time All-American and as a former United
States Army Sergeant.
Ross also recounts, several times throughout the match that
Kenny is only 20-years old, prompting me to reach for a bottle
of Wild Turkey and a double-shot glass. If Kenny Dykstra
should beat Bobby Lashley, that would make him the youngest
ECW/WWE Champion ever! (Hiccup.)
The match began with Kenny leaning against the ropes and
delivering a swift kick to Lashley's upper body before throwing
a punch. Lashley dodged the blow before picking up Kenny
and throwing him over the top rope. Going to the outside
of the ring, Lashley threw Kenny back in and onto the canvas.
Later on, the action spilled to the outside once again,
this time with Kenny sliding a nicely executed low dropkick
to Lashley's kneecap. With the action back in the ring, Kenny
continued his assault with a jumping elbow on Lashley before
applying a rear chinlock on the ECW champion.
With the crowd firmly behind him, Lashley got to his feet
while Kenny attempted a sleeper hold. Lashley threw Kenny
over his head while Kenny maintained some control, performing
an impressive flip over the top rope and back in.
The action continued with Lashley in the driver's seat,
executing an awesome t-bone suplex on Kenny. Not to be outdone,
Kenny nailed Lashley with a good-looking dropkick.
Uh-oh. Jim Ross called Kenny a blue-chipper. Time for another
drink.
The two men continued duking it out with control of the
match see-sawing back and forth, eventually culminating in
Lashley picking Dykstra up in vertical suplex that showed
off the ECW Champion's immense strength, holding Kenny in
place for a solid 10 seconds before sending him crashing
to the canvas. As the camera closed up, the viewers could
see the insane amount of musculature and definition in Lashley's
back. Since Ron Simmons wasn't on this week to say it, I'll
say it…. DAMN!
Also taking a page out of Simmons' book, Lashley dropped
Kenny for the final time with a Dominator before pinning
him and retaining his title.
This match was much better than I expected it to be, even
if it went a bit longer than it had to. Kenny can admittedly
hold his own, however, it's within my nature to be skeptical
of a performer that has been so heavily hyped. He's very
good for someone his age, however, he could stand some more
polish. However, with time, that will come. Lashley is incredibly
athletic for someone as muscular as he is and puts out some
good matches. Surprisingly, this one was pretty good.
Backstage, Randy Orton, seriously miffed at his former partner
cattily told Edge "Dude! Don't talk to me!" Asking
Orton to hear him out, Edge proposed that the two men team
up for one last time to ensure that Shawn Michaels doesn't
make it to 'Mania.
Elsewhere in the backstage area, Carlito was seen in his
street clothes with Torrie Wilson and a dog that looked more
Chihuahua than Chloe. The two gabbed about where they were
going before Carlito was accosted by Ric Flair. Flair berated
Carlito for not sticking around to check out the main event.
This was a nice nod to the days when wrestlers could not
leave the arena until the final bell tolled. Questioning
Carlito's work ethic, Flair claimed that it was guys like
Carlito who were taking his rightful spot. Flair severely
admonished the Caribbean Coolster for not having his priorities
in order. Instead of leaving to go on a date, he should be
pissed at himself for losing his match tonight and striving
to do better. Flair angrily admitted that Vince McMahon himself
had told him that if he wants to stick around, he has to
prove it to McMahon. Younger guys seemed to have a free pass
in spite of not having paid dues.
In one of the most stirring promos I've seen in a long time,
Ric Flair conveyed his love for the business, disappointment
with the new breed of wrestler and said that although the
crowd knew his name, there were days where Ric Flair didn't
really know who he was, conflicted by what the industry believes
a wrestler should be. Carlito looked baffled as Flair angrily
trudged back to the dressing rooms.
This brief promo solidified for me that the art of the two-minute
promo is not dead. Ric Flair, a member of wrestling's old
guard can more succinctly say something that advances a storyline
further in two minutes than some wrestlers can with a twenty-minute
filibuster session in the middle of the ring. Flair's two-minute
speech to Carlito was by far, one of the highlights of an
already stellar episode.
The night's main event, a Triple Threat match featuring
Shawn Michaels, Edge and Randy Orton with the winner gaining
a shot at John Cena's title at Wrestlemania swiftly got underway.
The match's stipulation was "sudden death," with
the first man to score the pinfall the winner of the match.
Michaels slid into the ring, tackling Orton. In keeping with
his agreement, Edge pounded Michaels off of Orton and the
two men stomped the Heartbreak Kid into the canvas.
Picking him up and sending him to the corner with an Irish
whip, Michaels battled back against the former Tag Team Champions
with the crowd staunchly behind him. Nailing them both with
a double-armed clothesline before handing out twin atomic
drops, Michaels tossed Orton out of the ring.
The show went to its last commercial break before rejoining
the action in progress with HBK in a sleeper hold courtesy
of Edge. The ever-resilient Michaels came back at Edge who
attempted a hard clothesline at Michaels. HBK dodged out
of the way and quickly changed the tone of the match with
a baseball slide directly into Edge.
Edge came back with a kick to Michaels before dropping HBK
with a backbreaker. The two men traded punches before Shawn
gave Edge a shot to the crotch which dropped the Rated R
Superstar like a sack of potatoes.
Orton got into the mix with an awesome inverted backbreaker
around the chin before landing a dropkick on Michaels and
nearly scoring a pinfall.
Edge and Orton's disagreement seemed to dissolve as Edge
pulled Orton off of HBK and attempted a pin himself. At the
tail end of the match, Edge attempted to spear Orton. RKO
leaped into the air in a near split, causing Edge to drive
his own shoulder into the ringpost as a result of the botched
finisher.
The Heartbreak Kid started tuning up the band in an attempt
to Super Kick Edge. Edge dodged the move, directing it towards
Orton who grabbed HBK's leg and flipped him over. Edge attempted
another spear and this time got Orton only to eat a Super
Kick by Michaels. With Edge out of the way and Orton prone
on the mat, Shawn Michaels scored a pin and is on his way
to Wrestlemania.
The show ended with a few staredowns. Shawn Michaels and
John Cena stared at one another in the ring before the Undertaker
came out once again to exchange menacing glares with Batista.
Earlier in the show, at the next PPV, "No Way Out," Batista
and Undertaker would face Michaels and Cena, which merited
the two opposing teams to give icy looks to the other as
the credits faded up and out.
As far as episodes of Monday Night Raw go, this was a great
one. After weeks of being bludgeoned with boring squash matches
and a distinct lack of direction, the Road to Wrestlemania
seems to have been cleared of debris.
It will be another week and a half until fans get to see
the latest installment with Monday Night RAW showing up on
Thursday February 15th at 8PM being pre-empted by the Westminster
Kennel Club Dog Show.
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