Last night's 3-hour edition of Monday Night RAW featured a smattering of celebrities and a supersized supply of suck.

Live from the nation's capital in Washington, D.C., the show opened with 26 men in the ring awaiting the entrance of four more superstars kicking off the 30-Man Battle Royal to decide which man would be face John Cena later on in the program for the WWE Championship Title.

Shawn Michaels, Carlito, Randy Orton and Triple H made abbreviated entrances before climbing into the squared circle with the rest of the combatants. My madd heel love for Orton continues to grow as he came out with his Tag Team Championship belt, smirking and posing like a 5th grader who just detonated a stink bomb on the sly.

Edge sat out most of the match on the outside, which served him well in the final moment of the 30-Man Clusterfu….. errr…Battle Royal.

The first man out was Carlito, eliminated by his newfound feud partner, Chris Masters. The next man to be outted was the Brooklyn Brawler. It's not every day you get to see Steve Lombardi in the ring and part of me was hoping for an unexpected shot at title gold for one of the greatest jobbers ever.

Following the Brawler's suit, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and Sgt. Slaughter were thrown over the top rope.

One of the few standout moments of the brawl involved Super Crazy clutching the ropes for dear life in a pseudo fetal position and swinging back and forth.

In the middle of the fray, Kenny (formerly of the Spirit Squad) makes an appearance in new blue and gold knee-length trunks. No more green for this guy! Also in the category of discernable action in the ring was Triple H planting Viscera with a huge facebuster before being thrown over the top rope by DX.

Farooq-AKA Ron Simmons and Val Venis were among the next few to be eliminated. After being ejected from the ring by Cryme Tyme, Farooq took the microphone for the weekly edition of "DAMN!" (I'm hoping that 2007 brings Farooq his own Piper's Pit-style talk show on RAW.)

Cryme Tyme's Shad Gaspar was next to be taken out by Haas and Benjamin before Haas himself was eliminated and DX booted Benjamin from the ring.

Continuing his up-and-coming status as the Feud Meister, Chris Masters threw Jerry "The King" Lawler over the top rope. One of the more recognizable and athletic combatants in the competition, Super Crazy, eliminated himself along with Jeff Hardy.

As the numbers dwindled, Eugene and Shawn Michaels duked it out in the corner before Flair stepped in to smack Eugene around some more.

Elsewhere in the ring, HBK's DX compatriot, HHH (That's a lot of letters for one sentence…. DAMN!) laid out Gene Snitsky with a DDT. I miss Snitsky and count myself as one of the very small yet loyal contingent of Snitsky marks.

Nearly eliminated, Kenny pulled himself up by the ring ropes, avoiding having both of his feet touch the ground, remaining in the match.

Edge and Ric Flair hung out near the periphery of the ring, poking one another in the eye. It's an eye-poke to some, a passing of the torch to others. Doing his Rated RKO partner one better, Randy Orton gave Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade double-thumbs to the eye. (I take my comment back last week regarding Trevor Murdoch. I had thought that his fully-buttoned shirt hinted that maybe he was working out and preparing to show off a sleeker in-ring physique at a later date. I was wrong. He's just as lacking in definition as ever.)

Eugene was eliminated and "outsmarted" by DX before Snitsky was also thrown out. Murdoch followed with Flair and Kenny eliminating one another. The crowd heavily booed this. I would wager the crowd was disappointed with Flair taken out of the running and not the heavily-hyped Kenny, hence the mass jeering.

In the final moments of the match, HBK was backed into the corner with Edge, Orton, Lance Cade and the seemingly ever-present Johnny Nitro advancing upon Michaels. Michaels shot Nitro over the top rope. Edge ducked and waited outside the ring. Orton swerved on Cade, taking him out of the equation, leaving just Michaels and Randy Orton in the ring together. HBK landed a high drop on Orton, eliminating him. Raising his hand in victory a little too closely to the ropes, Shawn Michaels was attacked from behind by Edge and pulled over the top rope.

Edge was declared the winner of the Battle Royal and would go on to face WWE Champion John Cena in a title match later in the program.

Well, that was a waste of a half an hour. The victory was cheap, easy, uncreative and unfulfilling. Kind of like a low-budget hooker. Giving a title one-shot to a guy who hasn't been a main event player in the past year or so would have been a nice twist. At the very least, it would have been cooler to see Edge and Orton compete against one another as the Battle Royal's final two contestants, putting a strain on the relationship between the young Rated RKO partners.

I suppose the outcome of the match was to underline that Edge's character is sneaky and unscrupulous. However, this hearkens back to my issue with the inactivity in the role of the referee as it pertains to matches. Stricter officiating would make things more interesting. Have a guy sit out the match and exit the ring, coming back at the end to win the match makes for disjointed continuity, particularly since I distinctly remember some Battle Royals where a contestant would leave the ring and be considered eliminated, whether they were thrown over the top rope. Yeah, yeah. Wrestling may be scripted, but let's give the fans a little credit, too.

Cue the Creed music because up next is a plug for next week's special Monday Night RAW from Iraq in honor of the United States troops overseas! Every year when the WWE visits the troops, they break out some Scott Stapp sung song to back a montage of the superstars hanging out with our military forces. Scott Stapp?! Come on! These men and women risk their lives every day overseas. At the very least, they deserve a better soundtrack for their montage! All issues with the WWE's choice of music aside, it's very cool how they visit these men and women every year and treat them to a holiday show. Not every company that is able to do so actually goes out there and does it.

Backstage, Edge is congratulated by his tag team partner, Randy Orton. Edge responds to Orton saying "No offense, but I've set my sights higher" than merely holding the Tag Team belts. Orton smiles. Hopefully, some seeds of dissent are brewing. I love a good heel-on-heel feud.

In another backstage interview segment, Maria interviews a heavily-oiled Masterpiece, Chris Masters and questions him with trepidation as to why he clamped poor Torrie Wilson in the Masterlock last week. Masters explains that he did it as an act of revenge to teach Carlito a lesson. Speaking of teaching, I wish someone would teach Masters some promo skills. He's running neck-in-thick-neck with Johnny Nitro for Auntie Bad Touch's "Shhhhh… Just Stand There And Look Pretty While Mama Ogles You" Award. It was pretty awful.

Rounding out the first hour of the three-hour program, Jim Ross narrates footage from Sunday night's PPV, Armageddon (which has to be the third of fourth consecutive PPV in about as many weeks now), in which MNM's Joey Mercury got his face, literally, rearranged in a ladder match against the Hardy Boys. The gruesome footage showed one of the Hardy Boys using a ladder as a plank with one of them jumping on one end of it and in a see-saw fashion, sent the bottom part of the ladder up into Mercury's face. Clearly an unfortunate accident and a spot gone wrong, Mercury was catapulted over the top rope and outside to the ring, bleeding profusely. He required 25 stitches and suffered a broken nose. Additionally, Mercury's eye visibly swelled shut right on camera, with his eye socket growing incrementally smaller as nanoseconds ticked by. While I'm not a huge Joey Mercury fan, I wish the man a speedy recovery and return to the ring.

Sucking up more time, what seems to be the newest recruit to the WWE, Vladimir Kozlov, cut his first interview promo. Being billed as a MMA and Samba specialist, the smiley Russian proclaimed his love for "Double Double E" in broken English. The crowd seemed to be less than enthused. He looked humongous and jacked of what could be seen under his semi-casual wear and he's better on the mike than either Masters or Nitro, so I will reserve my judgment until seeing him in the ring.

Speaking of Chris Masters, his scheduled match with Carlito was up next. Posed as a grudge match in which Carlito avenged the savaging of his sweetie, Torrie, the match was relatively quick, beginning with both men punching and kicking one another.

The action turned to the outside of the ring with Carlito launching himself off of the steel stairs leading to the ring and nailing Masters with a double-axe handle to the back. Seconds later, Carlito was plowed into the cameraman before Masters threw him over the railing and into the audience.

Carlito, having been busted open and bleeding heavily after making contact with the cameraman, flew into a massive rage, throwing any steel chair in sight. Masters slunk to the back. Neither man was awarded the match.

While Carlito's hair looked much better last night and he took it easy on the conditioner, the young Mr. Caribbean Cool should take it easy on his forehead lest it starts looking like his father's, the legendary Carlos Colon, which resembles a scaled-down version of Mt. Rushmore.

In yet another revenge match, MNM's Johnny Nitro (sporting a brand new pink Technicolor Dreamcoat) teamed up with The World's Greatest Tag Team, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin to do battle with the Hardy Boys. Haas should rethink the way he's been tying his bandana around his forehead, looking like Bad Ass Billy Gunn - AKA - Kip James. That's not the guy you want to resemble if management's looking at you. Just a hint there, Charlie.

As Benjamin started the match by mocking the Hardy Boys, still in visible pain from their brutal match at Sunday Night's PPV, Jeff Hardy planted a boot to Shelton's gut. Shelton recovered enough to execute some fabulous teamwork with his partner, picking up and slamming Hardy in a backbreaker over Haas's knee before sending him to the corner. Hardy climbed the top rope and executed a Twist of Fate on Haas.

Haas was the recipient of yet another dynamic maneuver with Jeff Hardy taking him down to the canvas with a jumping neckbreaker. Matt Hardy was tagged in and nearly pinned Haas. Charlie Haas kicked out, only to be worked over some more by the brothers. The bandana-sporting half of the World's Greatest Tag Team was thrown to the corner with Matt kneeling down and his brother, Jeff jumping on top of his back to land a high leg across Haas's throat.

During the commercial break, Shelton Benjamin was tagged in, chopping Jeff Hardy across the chest. Mocking his opponent, Benjamin made an attempt to imitate the Hardy's spastic dance moves usually seen during their ring entrance.

Exiting the ring and bringing in his partner, Haas clamped a painful looking Indian Deathlock on the still-smarting-from-Sunday Jeff Hardy.

Shelton Benjamin and Matt Hardy got into the mix with Benjamin taken out of commission by a hard clothesline from Hardy. Matt proceeded to slam everyone on the opposing team before executing a simply beautiful maneuver that combined a clothesline and a bulldog at the same time. Wow.

The stellar move was to no avail as Matt Hardy was pinned by Shelton Benjamin. At the very end of the match, Nitro came in to Insaguri kick Jeff Hardy into a nearly unconscious state before grabbing Jeff's Intercontinental Title belt and taunting him with it.

This match seemed much longer than the 15 minutes it actually ran for. The concept of a handicap tag match seemed interesting. However, Nitro's presence didn't contribute much to the match besides having a guy with a washboard stomach wearing a fluffy pink jacket hang around during the match with his very loud and scantily clad valet. The revenge element on behalf of his fallen partner, Joey Mercury, was virtually non-existent. Haas and Benjamin did most of the work with the Hardys. In fact, the extreme athleticism of Matt and Jeff Hardy and Haas and Benjamin could have been appreciated more if the viewers weren't bombarded with Nitro's copious amount of storylines that seem to spill over to nearly every member of the roster. I'd wager that Johnny Nitro gets more air time than even Triple H.

After a quick check in with the announcer's team of Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler, I realized that Lawler was sporting what could be a rejected pair of Liberace's Christmas jammies. His red, white and gold shirt was loud and tacky even by Lawler's own sartorial standards, exacerbated only by his red tights from his earlier involvement in the Battle Royal. You can wrestle as long as you like, King… Just please retire that particular shirt from your wardrobe.

Backstage, more interview fun was to be had with Umaga and his handler Armando Alejandro Estrada. When asked who he hoped his man would have to face for the WWE Championship belt, Cena or Edge, Estrada said that he hoped that Umaga would face Cena on the grounds that he believes he's easier. The camera closed up on Umaga's silver teeth and Estrada hyped his Samoan Grill-dozer even more.

In the evening's third or fourth (I lost count) helping of Johnny Nitro and his crappy delivery, viewers were treated to their first serving of Kevin Federline for the evening. Oh, goodie. At least Nitro looks cute while he's stinking it up on the mike. K-Fed inadvertently mugged the camera and looked sleazy while hugging Melina. Poor girl.

From Hollywood's C-list, the ante jumped up to A-list stars as J.R. and Lawler interviewed Sylvester Stallone about his upcoming film, "Rocky Balboa." Stallone, who inducted his Rocky III co-star legendary Hulk Hogan into the Hall of Fame, looked to be in much better condition than K-Fed, even though he was only shown from the chest up. He also mentioned that he thought that Federline possessed a death wish in taking on John Cena. Stallone claimed that K-Fed would have a hard time wrestling John Cena's wardrobe, let alone the champ.

Following the celebrity guest appearances…. Woooooo! Ric Flair styled and profiled his way down to the ring with a huge crowd reaction. Flair was wearing what I refer to as "The Super Sweet Robe," a black leather affair trimmed in turquoise feathers and studs. By far and away, it's my favorite Flair robe.

Flair squared off against Kenny. Apparently, Kenny was given a last name, being announced as "Kenny Dykstra." For whatever reason, his real name of Kenny Doane was not used and now he's been saddled with Kenny "rhymes with Lenny" Dykstra. While groan-inducing, it doesn't completely stack up to the cringe-worth K-Fed segment that was yet to come in the evening's broadcast. Well, at least Kenny still has his crappy headband.

The two men lock up with Flair letting loose with an echoing "wooo!" The "woo!" was cut short by a gut-punch from Kenny. The veteran battled back with a series of his famed chest chops. Kenny delivered a standing suplex, sending Flair backwards with Kenny trying for a pin with no success.

Kenny clapped a chokehold onto Flair. Flair rallied, sending Kenny to the corner. As Kenny tried to punch Flair against the ringposts, the Dirtiest Player in the Game dropped his shoulder, flattening Kenny.

Later on, Kenny set Flair up at the top rope before slamming him to the mat. As Kenny tried for a leg drop to finish Flair from the top rope, Ric rolled out of the way, landing the newcomer in a world of hurt.

The match ended with Kenny rolling Flair backwards. Being the revered ring vet that he is, The Nature Boy offered his hand to Kenny to shake following the match. Kenny rather impolitely declined, screaming "I'm the man around here!" Fine. You suck and you have a big nose, Kenny.

The next bout featured Battle Royal winner Edge versus the WWE Champion John Cena for the title. Cena received a very loud, positive reaction from the crowd before saluting them Marine-style.

Referee Mike Chioda patted both men down prior to the match to make sure that no international objects would be used. The match began with Cena ramming Edge to the corner. Edge threw The Champ over the top rope hard before dispatching him to the metal stairs and finally, the announcer's table.
Showing off some nice moves, Edge delivered a nice neckbreaker to Cena before grabbing him up in a flatbacked slam. Edge missed a three-count pin on Edge with Cena kicking out.

Rejuvenated, Cena tried to clothesline Edge at the exact same time the Rated R Superstar had the notion to hang some laundry, too. Both men flattened one another in a midair collision that looked less like a wrestling match and more like a bad impersonation of the Milli Vanilli run n' jump bump. And somewhere, Rob Pilatus is spinning in his grave.

Edge was the first to recover, wrapping his legxs around Cena's neck, grabbing the champion's arm and yanking it back. Jim Ross heralded the maneuver as a "Full Nelson with legs." Edge was certainly on point tonight with adding some new maneuvers to his arsenal.

Managing to break the hold, Cena jumped up and attempted to nail Edge with a Five-Knuckle Shuffle. Edge moved out of the way, spearing Cena, almost pinning him for the second time during the match. Cena grabbed the ropes, breaking up the pin.

From the top rope, Cena dropped a painful looking leg on top of Edge to the mat below, almost pinning the Rated R Superstar. This time, it was Edge's turn to kick out. Cena whipped Edge to the ropes in what looked to be an old-school version of Austin's Stun Gun from his WCW and ECW days before successfully pulling off another Five Knuckle Shuffle and saluting the audience. Cena went for the FU, but Edge managed to reverse it. Cena pulled the tide back into his favor, delivering a reverse suplex to Edge with Edge's face and nose making contact with the mat. Ouch. And oh yeah, the ref was knocked out of the ring.

As Edge was ready to be slammed yet again with the FU, his Rated RKO partner, Randy Orton ran in, hitting Edge with an RKO. Orton scrambled to the outside, picking the referee up with one hand like he was a shopping bag and depositing Chioda back into the ring.

DX came out to even the score and intervene on Cena's behalf, waffling Edge. The referee came to just in time for Cena to pin Edge. Cena retained the title belt, celebrating with DX and crotch-chopping on the outside. Inside the ring, there was much wailing and gnashing of the teeth with Edge and Orton showing off what they learned in the William Shatner and Charleton Heston School of Acting for Wrestlers, mugging the camera mercilessly.

As if the audience simply couldn't get enough of this pairing, a match was scheduled for later in the program featuring Cena partnered with D-Generation X and taking on Rated RKO and Umaga. Since this match was sanctioned, Cena and Umaga could pummel one another with impunity without Umaga losing his title shot.

The weekly dose of Cryme Tyme was up next. I have yet to see either of these men in an actual wrestling match. JTG and Shad danced their way to the middle of the ring before asking the crowd "What's really good?" They claimed that Haas and Benjamin were "straight up hatin'" on them and that tonight, in the Chocolate City of Washington D.C., they had a character witness who would set them straight. Their special guest was none other than the President of the United States.

A very short George Bush lookalike came out to a thunderous amount of boos from the crowd. From a distance, the guy bore a striking resemblance to Bush, barring the height. As the camera closed up, he looked a lot more like Ross Perot.

The fake G.W. told the crowd that he, too, had to contend with people accusing him of hatred, particularly Kanye West saying that he "doesn't like black people." Faux-Bush claimed that he did, in fact, like black people, citing Colin Powell as one of his "homies," and that "Condoleeza Rice is one hot, little black bitch." The crowd booed this comment heavily, voicing their disapproval.

The Fake President also claimed that George Jefferson was a good friend of his who "wrote the Declaration of Independence." (Somehow, I don't have trouble believing that the real president may believe this to be an accurate fact.) Just as Fake G.W. was about to drop a familiar n-bomb, Cryme Tyme stepped in saying that Secret Service or not, he would get an ass beating." Fake G.W. hastily apologized saying that he's cool with it owning up to "misquoting myself." He offered Cryme Tyme a group hug in which the thugtastic duo picked the presidential pocket and came away with his wallet.

Belaboring the point further, the camera kept closing up on the wallet, bearing the gold eagle standard of the U.S. Presidency. Okay. We get it. They picked the fake president's wallet.

Inside the ring, Fake G.W. ordered his Secret Service to "Arrest those people!" before flipping the crowd the reversed double-bird as he exited the arena.

Once again, I'm not sure what was supposed to be accomplished with that overly-long segment. It lacked humor and any sort of point whatsoever outside of referencing Washington D.C.

Up next was an excellent non-title match between Women's Champion Mickey James and Victoria. Victoria, clutching her clipboard list, trotted out to the ring sporting something red from the Jimmy Valiant collection that said "Hot" across her ass.

Mickey skipped out to the ring with her title belt only to be chopped brutally in the chest by Victoria. Mickey managed to slide under her leg, dodging yet another blow but not necessarily the fury of Victoria.

The challenger rammed the champion to the corner, superplexing Mickey from the top rope. On the mat, Victoria screamed loudly, choking the Women's Champion. Mickey flipped backwards with Victoria attached to her. Mickey rolled through a near pin, with Victoria picking her up and ramming the champ's face into the turnbuckles.

Victoria attempted to F5 Mickey, however, the champ powered out. Mickey tried for a DDt on her much taller competitor. Victoria averted it, throwing Mickey over the top rope and kicking Mickey right in the face before bombing her with the Widow's Peak.

Pinning Mickey, Victoria checked her off of her list before scrawling "Women's Championship" on her list before madly scampering backstage.

The action was fast and furious with solid wrestling from both women. The action moved swiftly and added much to their continuing storyline. This was a fine example of how it should be done.

Moving along, instead of following the trend towards the better, things just got worse with a K-Fed address to the crowd. As expected, Federline says little of importance. Blah, blah. "K-Fed is dead. The REAL Kevin Federline is going to kick John Cena's ass." Blah, blah. "On New Year's Day, I'm gonna get some!" Oh, silly K-Fed. "Getting some" was what landed you child support payments for four different children all before the age of 30. As K-Fed droned on, I wondered how the WWE had gotten to this point.

The last match of the night was rushed and chock-full of commercial interruptions. DX (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) and John Cena fought Rated RKO (Edge and Randy Orton) and Umaga in a Six-Man Tag. The action of the match itself was incredibly unremarkable.

In terms of characterization, Umaga's savage persona was played up with Edge and Orton having to show him how to behave in a tag team match as opposed to singles competition. Regardless, Umaga and Cena left the ring early on, battling to the back of the dressing rooms without the benefit of cameras, leaving HHH and HBK to duke it out with Edge and Orton.

Maybe Triple H losing the Harley Race sideburns this week rendered him powerless because Edge laid him out flat with a steel chair. Use of the steel chair was made again, dropping Michaels onto his head on top of the traditionally-used-for-sitting item.

What would be an episode of Monday Night RAW without the total and utter destruction of the announcer's table. Edge sent Triple H sailing into the announcer's table and into Jim Ross's lap, looking like a very bloody wrestling version of Michelangelo's Pieta.

Things got a whole lot redder as Edge and Orton took turns delivering vicious looking chair shots to Triple H, busting him wide-open and gushing enough blood to make Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes and Abdullah the Butcher proud.

Grabbing the bloodied chair, Edge and Orton took it back to the ring to show to Shawn Michaels who was staggering around on his knees.

Obviously preoccupied with his unseen and off-screen action with Umaga, Cena didn't make the save for his DX teammates as they did for him earlier in the program.

The credits faded up and out with a battered and bloodied DX attempting to regain their senses.

For a three-hour RAW, this episode did not deliver as promised. A lot of time was eaten up with pointless vignettes and celebrity cameos that wore out their welcome weeks ago.

Many of the matches dragged, largely in part because they are rehashings of floundering feuds that are lingering for the sake of selling PPVs. Why not reward the fans who tune in week after week with a few surprises (that don't involve Kevin Federline or Johnny Nitro sporting a new full-length coat) like an unexpected contender for the Championship belt or (gasp!) even a title changing hands on a televised program instead of shelling out boku bucks for a PPV.

Last night's RAW was a step in the wrong direction. Hopefully, next week's Tribute to the Troops will be a much better offering.