If the New Year's Day episode of Monday Night RAW was a dog, you would have to rub its face in its own poo in an attempt to train it to not be bad. There can be no rationalizing with a steaming log this bad to kick things off for 2007. Coming off a very good show with last week's "Tribute to the Troops," it only makes this week's offering even worse.

The show opened up with the reigning Champion, John Cena entering the Miami, FL arena and making his way to the ring to a huge amount of cheers from the crowd. With little fanfare and posing for the crowd, Kevin Federline made his entrance. Coming out to the strains of "America's Most Hated," (Damn! No "Popo Zao"?!) the "entertainment mogul" -- as he was billed -- came out wearing a hideous, black boxing robe that said "Team Federline" on the back in white. He screamed some taunt at Cena and if it wasn't true before, Federline earned the title of America's Most Annoying Person.

K-Fed was accompanied to the ring by his personal trainer, Johnny Nitro. Nitro was wearing some sort of get up that made him resemble the lost member of the Village People, The Cornerman.

Federline took his robe off and things just got worse with shorts so long they couldn't really be classified as such.

The moments leading up to the No Disqualifications match sucked up more time than the actual match itself:
9:06 PM - Nitro helps K-Fed put on wrestling gloves.
9:09 PM - Nitro helps K-Fed put on boxing headgear.
9:10 PM - The bell rings and Cena, not amused by K-Fed's antics picks Brittney Spears' ex up over his head.
9:11 PM - Nitro and K-Fed call for a chair for the Masterlock Challenge, with Federline attempting to put the hold on Cena.
9:12 PM - Cena easily breaks the hold.
9:13 PM - I yawned. Then I farted.

Some real action started with a cross arm-breaker being applied before Cena placed Federline atop the ring post, setting him up for an FU. Nitro made a run in, distracting the Champ. As Nitro slid out of the ring, Federline nailed Cena from behind with a low blow.

Next it was Umaga's turn to do a run-in. Umaga's handler, Armando Alejandro Estrada held up Cena's Championship belt before Umaga clocked the Champ with it. Paging the Continuity Department, but wasn't there a rule in place that Umaga and Cena could not lay a finger on one another leading up to the New Year's Revolution PPV unless it was a sanctioned match? Yeah. I thought so.

With his opponent out cold, Federline posed on top of Cena's prone body on the mat and pinned him for the win.

Grabbing the microphone, K-Fed started yammering about how he had made good on his promise that he would "shock the world." The only thing that Kevin Federline could do that would shock me is if he put on a condom.

Already reeking of a let-down in the making, Federline scored and easy and cheap win. With the WWE building up John Cena as an invincible champion (part of which may have caused a prior backlash against him in the first place), instead of having him lose to an actual wrestler, K-Fed is allowed a cheap pin. The only thing this match succeeded in doing was to make David Arquette look like Harley Race in comparison to Kevin Federline.

Backstage, Maria attempted to interview Federline, banging on his dressing room door. She was met by Melina who denied her an interview with K-Fed, dismissing what Maria termed the celebrity's (and I use that word very loosely) "tainted victory." Giving the scene that touch of high school, Melina slapped Maria hard across the face, screaming "BITCH!" at the hapless interviewer. Rick James would have been proud.

Backstage in Federline's dressing room, Nitro, Melina, Federline himself and a collection of women of dubious repute were collected to celebrate the win. Vince McMahon's henchman, Jonathan "Coach" Coachman entered to congratulate them on the win. Paging the Continuity Department again, but it seemed a few weeks ago that Coach was moving towards a more neutral direction. I guess that's not the case, either.

Promising to make 2007 even more of a year where they would reverse the humiliation many of those present received at the hands of the reigning Champion, Coach proposed a match for later on in the evening. The match would be a 4-on-1 battle pitting Cena against the team of Umaga, Armando Alejandro Estrada, Coach, and Johnny Nitro.

Right when I was struck by how cheesy and lame this match would be, I was struck by Federline's even cheesier and lamer tattoo of a giant Olde English script "F" on his forearm.

Following the commercial break, the next match was a Team of Tag Teams vs. a Team of Tag Teams Match. Finally, we would get to see Cryme Tyme in an actual wrestling match! Shad Gaspar and JTG were teamed with Robbie and Rory McAllister of The Highlanders. Their opponents for the night would be Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch and the World's Greatest Tag Team, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas.

Sitting ringside were several Miami Heat players and their families. Cryme Tyme went over to shake hands with Shaquille O'Neal.

The match began with Lance Cade facing Robbie of the Highlanders. Cade delivered a few jumping knees to the gut while Robbie was whacked into the corner. Robbie managed to tag JTG in who almost instantly took Cade down to the mat. As Cade went to the ropes to possibly clothesline the Cryme Tymer, JTG executed a neat little trip on Cade, diving down and locking his leg around his foot. Cade beaked himself on the canvas, heading down face-first.

I wish someone would get Cade and Murdoch stylists, particularly Lance Cade. Murdoch's Larry the Cable Guy look at least works for him, however the Lance Pants couldn't get much worse, being low, tight and white. They looked as if Federline ganked them from his ex-wife's closet from the days when she used to wear clothing below her waist, and presented them to random wrestlers backstage.

All fashion commentary aside, inside the ring, JTG was taking the brunt of the team's punishment. Charlie Haas stepped in, laying out one of RAW's resident thugs out with an impressive double-armed suplex. Tagging in Benjamin, Shelton sent JTG to the corner where he was worked over by Trevor Murdoch. In a sneak play, inside the ring, Cade lifted his partner Murdoch up in the air, slamming his legs across JTG's throat.

Before you could say "clusterfu… err.. too many guys in the ring at the same time," every single competitor was in the ring slamming one another. Apparently, someone torched the rule book prior to the night's show. Cade jumped across the ring and accidentally flung himself over the top rope and out of the ring. Shelton Benjamin landed a massive (and painful looking) kick to Highlander Rory's face, sending him over the top rope. The remaining faces in the ring tossed Haas, Benjamin and Cade out of the ring, leaving Shad in the ring with Murdoch. JTG helped his partner who clocked the big redneck hard, pinning Murdoch and scoring a win for his team.

Cryme Tyme, while they're certainly not Harlem Heat, aren't a bad tag team. They have a long way to go in spite of showing off a few tricky maneuvers during the course of the match. They seem a little clunky together outside of a prerecorded vignette, with better comedic timing than in-ring timing. However, this match didn't really feature a whole lot of tag teaming from the wrestlers themselves. Even Haas and Benjamin didn't get much ring-time or opportunity to show off their extraordinary skills as a team.

Another contrived attempt at squeezing in as many wrestlers in two hours time as opposed to creating interesting and well-crafted matches, the only thing I really liked about this match was Highlander Robbie's beard. It looked really soft and shiny, like he conditioned it. I'd like to pet Robbie's beard. Other than that, there's not a whole lot of good I could say about this match.

The next match clocked in at under a minute. The Intercontinental Champion, Jeff Hardy came down to the ring, sporting black, green and purple. Just as Hardy completed his prize-winning routine in the Spastic Dance Olympics, the long-lost Rob Conway made his appearance.

Conway delivered his New Year's Resolution that in 2007 he would be a winner. Stating with newfound confidence that he would no longer be a member of the J.O.B. Squad, Conway declared that he would leave RAW for good if he lost the match.

Climbing into the ring to the tune of his snazzy, Randy Newman-esque theme music, Rob Conway was quickly defeated by Jeff Hardy. Conway flung Hardy to the ring post. Backed into the corner, Hardy picked himself up using the ropes, pushing Conway backwards and pinning him. Rob Conway sat there looking confused and dejected.

As Hardy left the ring celebrating, viewers were treated to a Hawaiian shirt-clad Vince McMahon strutting down to the ring. After paying some bizarre form of lip service to Donald Trump and likening Rosie O'Donnell to the late Heavyweight Champion Yokozuna, McMahon declared his own New Year's Resolutions. VKM said that he would "stop being so damn nice" and "stop allowing people to take advantage" of him in 2007. After reminding the audience that Donald Trump borrowed a catchphrase from Vince that had originated on Monday Night RAW, in typical Mr. McMahon fashion, he bellowed "You're fired!!" at Rob Conway, giving the unfortunate wrestler his walking papers.

Holding a Rob Conway fan badge that's slightly smaller than my Gene Snitsky fan badge, I wish the WWE would have done more with Rob Conway. He'll probably end up on either Smackdown or that barren wasteland of a brand extension known as ECW. He's a good wrestler with some good ideas, coming up with the revamping of his character following the disaster that was La Resistance. In the past, he seemed somewhat over with the crowds. However, how well can you get over with fans when you're only given so much television time. Instead, we get copious amounts of Kenny.

Speaking of Kenny, the dubbed-as-Dykstra superstar was backstage in all of his hideously headbanded glory, letting loose with a promo about how "death comes in threes." Citing the deaths of James Brown, Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein, Kenny said that death would now come in packs of four, adding Ric Flair's career to the list.

A series of flashbacks to Flair's savage beating at the hands of Rated RKO was shown yet again in addition to highlights of the DX/Team Rated RKO feud.

Inside the ring, DX came out to a huge ovation from the crowd. Several pairs of glow sticks were seen in the crowd, a sea of lime green "X"s in homage to D-Generation X. Glancing at Triple H's face, his Harley Race mutton chops were back with a vengeance. I guess that means DX will probably win at the PPV.

With their most recent promo, Triple H and Shawn Michaels got to play "Good Cop/Bad Cop," with the usually reserved Michaels taking a few jabs at those who would proclaim themselves as "the future" of the industry and the "stars of tomorrow."

Following his partner's scathing promo, Triple H took the microphone, likening DX to Frosted Mini Wheats. A multi-dimensional faction, there's the sweet, funny and sugary side that everyone loves and then there's the other side. Michaels piped in, saying "I like the sugary side." The H agreed, however, at New Year's Revolution, Team Rated RKO would get to see "the other side" of DX before flinging the microphone down and crotch chopping for the crowd.

Wow. A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch! DX's promo, while (along with Highlander Robbie's beard) one of the only things I liked about this entire episode of RAW, was just another shill for Sunday night's upcoming PPV. Still, taking it for what it's worth, it was one of the best and most original promos I've heard in recent memory. When they're on, Triple H and Shawn Michaels are two of the most consistently entertaining guys in the industry as DX.

Up next was a Women's match between Melina and Maria. This was absolutely nothing to write home about. Melina came down to the ring wearing a black sports bra and tight black pants with "Apple" written across the back in gold. She did her familiar "split" ring entrance before Maria came skipping out to the ring in silver boy shorts. This looked to be a duel of the dye-jobs with both Maria and Melina sporting recently darkened hair with red clip-in extension pieces as highlights.

As the action of the match began, the number one contender for the Women's Championship Belt, Victoria came out looking spicy and carrying her new accessory, her clipboard. (Curiously enough, Victoria was sporting the very same hair color as both Melina and Maria for the night.) In addition to the names that had been crossed off of her list, there was a blank space reserved for a special someone. Sitting down at the broadcaster's table with Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler, she expressed her displeasure that certain non-wrestling "divas" were given such a place in the spotlight when she had done the Wrestlemania promo circuit for several years, putting in hard work. (Preach on, sistah! Preach on!)

Inside the ring, Melina and Maria rolled around slapping each other inside the ring. In a surprisingly interesting move, Melina tied Maria to the ropes with her own hair before giving her a few knees to the face. Maria lifted her leg up too kick her vicious competitor, hitting the ropes.

The match ended with Melina kicking Maria over and pinning her for the win. With the announce team still contemplating who the blank space on Victoria's list was reserved for, Victoria went into her "crazy mode," grabbing at her face and hair before climbing into the ring. It seemed as though Victoria would be going after Melina as the two women stared one another down. But no, no, no. That would actually leave room for a heel-vs.-heel feud that could potentially be too interesting for fans to handle. Someone must have been possessed by the Spirit of Wrestling Past that said that heels couldn't feud with heels and good guys had to be straight-up good guys and never the twain shall meet.

The women nodded at one another with Victoria sliding out of the ring. Melina made her exit and it looked as if Victoria would, as well. Instead, Victoria made a beeline for the seated ring announcer, Lillian Garcia. Grabbing Lillian by the hair, she dragged her into the ring, grabbing her up in an attempt at her signature move, the Widow's Peak. Just as it looked that Lillian could not use the phone for good, the Women's Champion, Mickey James made a quick save. Victoria dropped Lillian with Mickey chasing her to the back.

The next match of the night was a Tag Team competition featuring Ric Flair (and his super sweet black and turquoise robe) teamed up with Carlito (accompanied to the ring by Torrie Wilson) doing battle against The Masterpiece Chris Masters and Kenny Dykstra.

I was given a visual reminder of the gigantic push the WWE seems to be giving Kenny by noticing that everyone inside and outside of the ring was wearing red while Kenny stood out in blue. Ric Flair, Carlito and Chris Masters all had on red trunks of the same brief length. Even Torrie Wilson was wearing a red dress. Kenny had on blue knee-length trunks, obviously standing out from the other wrestlers involved in the match.

Yeah, yeah. He's 20 years old. Big deal. Chris Candido started wrestling when he was 16. Eddie Guerrero, Juventud Guerrera and Psicosis started probably earlier than that. Rey Misterio began wrestling when he was 14. In the early days of ECW, I remember watching a 21-year-old Rey battling Psicosis in epic three-fall matches on television. Kenny's wrestling skills as someone who is barely 21 do not even remotely stack up to those names mentioned and shouldn't even be considered in the same category or caliber. He bears a passing resemblance to Owen Hart, which is the most remarkable thing that could be said for him.

The match began with Carlito delivering a standing headscissors takeover on Masters. Masters tried to elbow Carlito in the stomach but missed. Flair was tagged in, tackling Masters and landing his famous knife-hand chops to the chest. Masters, on his knees, was knocked backwards with Flair capitalizing with the Figure Four leg lock. Nearly felling The Masterpiece, Flair's count was broken by Kenny who stepped in to make the save.

After the commercial break, the match was joined in-progress with Carlito's back being stretched, bent backwards over Masters' knee. Kenny was tagged in with Carlito, following Flair's suit with several chops to the youngster's chest. Kenny grabs Carlito in a front face lock before Masters traps Carlito in the corner. From behind, Kenny goes this time for a reverse chin lock on Carlito. Carlito breaks free, sending Kenny flying backwards with a hard chest chop.

Later on in the match, Kenny hooked Carlito's leg for a near pinfall. Carlito kicked out, only to be dragged to his feet by the recently-tagged Masterpiece. Sending Carlito to the corner, Kenny holds onto the back of Carlito's trunks from the outside, holding him in place as Masters pummeled him.

In a display of strength, Masters picked up Carlito in a Military Press/Gorilla Slam combo. Recovering to his feet from the devastating slam, Carlito jumped off of the second rope into a springboard onto Masters.
Meanwhile, outside the ring, Kenny had knocked Ric Flair off of the ring apron, working over the veteran on the outside and throwing Flair into the steel stairs.

Masters countered, slapping the Masterlock on Carlito. From behind, the Dirtiest Player in the Game had recovered enough to nail Masters with several signature chops.

Continuing the trend of clearing house, Flair chopped Kenny backwards with a hard one to the throat. Going for the Figure Four yet again, Flair nearly pinned Kenny's shoulders to the mat before the Masterpiece came in to bust it up.

Kenny then attempted a Figure Four but was stopped. Instead, shifting his weight and bearing down on Flair with his feet on the second rope for leverage, Kenny pinned the legendary Ric Flair and scored the win for his team.

Grabbing the microphone, the Nature Boy insisted that he and Kenny go at it again, fair and square, that he wasn't through with the young whippersnapper for tonight. Instead, Flair was jumped from behind by Team Rated RKO. Edge stood outside the ring, taunting the legend while Orton cut Flair down with an RKO from behind. Adding insult to injury, the duo grabbed some steel chairs, laying out the Horseman with another set of con-chair-tos.

Seeing Ric Flair busted open with his head sandwiched between two chairs is wearing thin as a weekly attraction. Particularly, since DX had apparently left the building for the night and weren't around to help their beloved mentor. Again. This schtick of Team Rated RKO taking out Flair once a week is getting older than Moolah and Mae Young combined.

The last match of the night was the four-on-one battle with Cena facing the combined forces of Umaga, Armando Alejandro Estrada, Johnny Nitro and Coach. Prior to the match, it was Kevin Federline's turn to come out yet again to incite the audience.

Treated once more to the mellow strains of "America's Most Hated," I managed to discern the lyric, "I'm Kevin Federline / I'm tight with every rhyme" and felt my dinner struggling to make a second appearance of the evening, too.

Once again, K-Fed informed the audience that he "shocked the world" and that "the real Kevin Federline takes pride in shocking the world." We get it. He's a shocker. At this point, I felt that the WWE had just given me and countless fans watching a "shocker" of their own.

Much like the proverbial booger you can't shake off of your finger, Federline hung around the announcer's table with J.R. and Lawler, talking up a storm about John Cena and telling the broadcast cohorts that "I already whipped his ass earlier tonight."

Lest we forget, a match was supposed to go down. The clock was ticking with considerably less than ten minutes left in the program. Coach, Nitro, Estrada and Umaga made their respective entrances before Cena emerged.

Cena and Umaga started things off in the ring. Cena dropped his shoulder as Umaga ran at him. Cena ducked Umaga's running ground splash, sending the undefeated Samoan Bulldozer flying over the top rope.

Nitro was next to run in, only to be suplexed by Cena before being sent to the ring post. Umaga re-entered, picking Cena up and planting him with a huge Samoan drop. Cena was dragged to the corner at the behest of Estrada and Coach and climbed to the 2nd rope to jump on Cena. The wily champion drew his knees into his chest as Umaga was airborne and thus prevented any little Umagas from running around any time soon.

On a roll, Cena tossed all four combatants into the ring at the same time, clotheslining each one of them. Umaga ran at Cena. Once again, Cena dodged the blow, tripping Umaga and taking him down to the canvas below, clamping the big Samoan in the STFU.

To break it up, Estrada came into the ring with a steal chair to make the save for his charge. Instead, Cena gave him a swift kick to the groin. Estrada dropped the chair which Cena then picked up, clobbering Umaga. With the second hit, Umaga fell out of the ring. The match resulted in a disqualification due to the chair with the victory going to the team of Umaga, Estrada, Coach and Nitro.

From behind, Johnny Nitro ran at Cena, only to run directly into an FU. Coach was next to get FU-ed. An angered Cena then dove outside of the ring and dragged K-Fed into the ring from the announcer's table, throwing him into the squared circle. Capping off the broadcast, Cena delivered a final FU of the night on Federline, much to the crowd's approval. As the crowd cheered thunderously, the credits faded up and out.

Although Cena got in a last FU on Federline, it seems like the fans got the FU for the entire show. The matches on this offering of Monday Night RAW were very brief with little substance or bearing on any of the main players. Basically, it was a two-hour commercial hyping this Sunday's PPV. When the best things about the show happen to be DX likening themselves to a breakfast cereal, a tag team member's lush beard and a Rob Conway getting air time before getting canned, you know it's been a bad night. If I were handing out grades, I doubt that this episode of RAW would receive a passing one.

I may seem unnecessarily harsh in my assessment of RAW, however, it's only because I know it can be so much better. With wrestling spiraling steadily downward, I'm hoping that this is the absolute nadir and that it can only get better from here. I hope.