Guns N' Roses/Helmet/Sebastian Bach/Suicide Girls/Modern Day Zero
(12/01/06)
Hilton Coliseum - Ames, Iowa

Seeing Guns N’ Roses in concert in 2006 is exactly what you would expect from the band at this point – a long wait with little delivery. Years ago, Axl Rose told us “All you need is just a little patience.” Well, the patience of the fans he has left is wearing thin and now that I’ve attended one of their shows, I can now say my own patience is pretty much gone.

Even since the days of the classic GN’R lineup, they’ve been notoriously late for their own concerts. Legend has it that after making their fans wait for hours, they would give them a blistering marathon set or a trainwreck - either way it was an event to remember. Obviously, the classic lineup is no more but the original members aren’t the only things absent nowadays. While Guns N’ Roses used to define the term “rock n’ roll bad boys,” they’re little more than just “bad rock n’ roll” in 2006.

So while I was aware that a GN’R concert would involve waiting, I didn’t expect to be as let down by the entire event as I was. It was advertised that Sebastian Bach would open as well as The Suicide Girls, who’ve expanded their internet “altporn” empire into a touring burlesque show. The Eagles of Death Metal were also set to play but left the tour, telling Axl Rose to “go fuck himself,” and were replaced by Helmet.

I arrived right at 8:00 when the ticket said the doors would open. I assumed Sebastian Bach would have an early slot and he was the only opening act I was interested in seeing (Slave to the Grind rocks balls, dudes). A few minutes after I got to my seat, the show started and I was impressed that it was already getting under way. Bach didn’t perform first, but rather The Suicide Girls; it worked out better for me since I was glad to get their act out of the way. (And actually they weren’t even the first act of the night – some band called Modern Day Zero played first. Whatever.)

I like naked chicks. I thought several of The Suicide Girls were gorgeous and was impressed by their nudity. What I’m not terribly interested in is watching seminude dancers either 100 feet away or on a Jumbotron screen. It’s not the fault of the performers – I just don’t think burlesque is something that translates all that well in an arena setting. They did their best to entertain and at this point of the night (foreshadowing!), their attempts were appreciated by the audience.

One of the most unexpected events of the night was the performance by Sebastian Bach. I expected a competent but lackluster performance but I was totally floored. Bach was actually everything I expected from GN’R - a guy out to prove something, intent on giving the audience a performance like it was his last.

Oh man, and what a wacky dude. Bach provided some of the best one-liners I’ve ever heard from a frontman - “If Uncle Ted [Nugent] can go out and kill baby animals, I can have a fucking drink, right?” “[Pointing to a couple in the front row] Ladies and gentlemen, Axl’s parents are here! How come you don’t have red hair?” “Hold up your cell phones and put a video on YouTube!” And my favorite: “Duuude. On four!”

That last one was Sebastian talking to the drummer after the band fucked up the intro to “Livin’ On a Chain Gang” several times. That part of it wasn’t unprofressional; it was actually really amusing to watch a band work out their kinks on stage. What was unprofessional was the reason why they were playing that song in the first place. Before the ubiquitous “I Remember You,” Bach said “We got two more songs for ya!” After that song and a brief talk with someone backstage he said, “We’re going to play a couple more for ya!” It was obvious at that point that it was going to be a long time before the headliners would take the stage. An uncertainty hung in the air; this was the first Guns show after a week of cancellations due to illness.

Helmet doesn’t have much in common with Guns N’ Roses musically but career-wise they have one glaring similarity: Only one original member. Perhaps that’s why they were chosen; I can’t think of a single other reason why they would be opening for Guns N’ Roses. Even when they were at their peak, they were never a band designed for such a venue. On CD, they’re a tight unit; in a 15,000 seat arena they’re reduced to little more than white noise. Not that being an opening act on an arena tour is Helmet’s only problem. The distinct drumming of John Stanier, the backbone of the classic Helmet sound, is now gone and since their “reunion,” they’ve put out two completely abysmal records. I couldn’t have been more bored by their performance and judging from their boos, the audience felt the same way.

The last chord of Helmet’s “In the Meantime” rang out at 11:15 and the band exited the stage. According to reports from the previous shows of this tour, GN’R have been regularly taking the stage around 11:30 or 11:45. When The Suicide Girls came back on at midnight, the crowd started to express their discontentment more intensely than they had with Helmet. My response at the time was “Now I know why they’re called The Suicide Girls - having them go back on stage is a suicide mission.” I had never seen anything like it before. The same audience that hooted approval at their bared breasts 4 hours ago were now about ready to tear them apart. Between each routine, a loud wave of boos filled the arena. One dancer spat beer on the crowd, flipped them the bird, and walked off. If their position on this tour is to take abuse from an audience pissed off at Axl Rose, I really feel bad for them.

Once The Suicide Girls finished for the second time, chants of “Bullshit! Bullshit!” were scattered among the boos. While I used to think it was kind of funny that Axl Rose had built a reputation for himself as an ill-tempered prick, I now think it’s kind of sad. No one had any idea if there was even going to be a Guns N’ Roses concert and it was after midnight. A cancellation at that point would not have been unexpected; what used to be petulant rock star behavior is now a well-known joke.

But Guns took the stage as promised. The lights went down, guitarist Robin Finck plucked the opening notes to “Welcome to the Jungle,” and then the man everyone was there to see took the stage - Axl Rose. “Do you know where the fuck you are???” Axl didn’t wait for my answer - “I’m in Ames, Iowa, waiting for you to get your deadbeat ass on the fucking stage.”

Was it a blistering performance or even a trainwreck? It was neither. It was actually kind of dull, not at all helped by four different members of the band each having their own solo. They played all the songs you would expect, including five off their allegedly forthcoming album, Chinese Democracy. The audience that roared when they first hit the stage grew weary with each song. I looked around at the half full arena and wondered about who their audience will be once the hype dies down. Sooner or later, Chinese Democracy is going to be released and the new band will no longer be a curiosity anymore. The hardcore fans will remain, but who else? Who's going to show up the next time they play Hilton Coliseum, knowing that after four and half hours of waiting, all they’re going to get is a mediocre show and a glimpse at an aging primadonna?

The future looks bleak for Guns N’ Roses.

- Alan Smithee